Pour Your Heart Out: One day at a time

I'm linking up with Shell for a Wednesday Pour Your Heart Out. Check out her site, and all the other bloggers doing the same thing

It's been a rough year.

Everyone around here can kind of feel the struggle, and those in my physical life can see it. I have mentioned it to my parents, and my sisters. I have talked with some of my friends. I've sort of written it here.

And last night, I told JM everything.

That I don't like the person I have become. That I feel empty.

That I'm scared.

That I'm afraid that I'm stuck and afraid that I'm never going to get out of this place.

It is probably the scariest thing to let someone else in to the world that you are experiencing. It's dark sometimes, and it's frightening and it's emotional.

And as my mom can certainly tell you, I am not one for super big emotions. I was a "bottler" when I was a kid. Which is fine, but it probably isn't healthy as an adult.

Because you end up like I was last night. And seriously, no one likes that. But seriously, sometimes that's all you have left.

But JM talked, and listened. And he held me while I cried. He told me he could see that I was hurting, but he didn't know what to say at first. And he supported me. He offered help and assistance. He told me we were "in it together, and we'll figure it out....An easy ride is not what I signed up for."

I never realized how much a job could drain you. How much it could steal from you. How much it could change you: positive or negative.

But I do now, and I refuse to ever feel like this again.

So blog friends, today is a new day. Today is the day that I am reclaiming a lot of me that was lost. I don't promise that I'm going to be all sunshine and happiness, but I think the writer's block might be over. I might actually post more than once a week.

Ha.

I'm going to make this work. I'm making a paper chain countdown til my last day at AMC. And every link is going to be something great.

Heck, these posts might get named with the countdown til the end of my job. Either way, it's time to focus on the positive.

So, today, that's what I'm going to try to do. Even though it's rainy and gross (seriously with this weather today though?!).

And, I'm going to make some arts and crafts tonight. Because I can, and because it's therapeutic, and because well... I have the time to take for myself.

Because even though I can't move up my end date (GAHHHHH!! shaking fist at stupid emails I got this morning) I can create a wall that blocks me from continuing to feel like I'm sad.

Like I can't be myself.

Like smiling is actually hard sometimes.

Because that's not me, and I am getting back to that other person.

The person I want to be, and the person I deserve to be. And, to be giving to others.

One day at a time, friends.
One day at a time.

Nothing but blue skies, do I see

I have a love affair going on right now.

It's ok. Tell JM. He knows already.

I love the spring. I love the little flowers poking up from the ground. I love the return of the sunshine (because in NY, there is nothing like the return of the sun). I love the refreshing breeze, and the crispness that is the afternoon. I love walking in rain boots. (JM hates this aspect. Eh, you win some and lose some I say. :) )

I love the way I feel in the spring. Like anything is possible. Everything is fresh, and clean and new. I love the way that just going outside in the middle of the afternoon can cure any part of a bad day you may be having.

I love the way I feel when I come inside after being outside for so long. Like a totally new, and awake person.

Ahhh, it is totally lovely.

If only it wasn't going to rain in Albany all weekend, we would have a great, great 10 day forecast.

I haven't worn a jacket to work in 2 days. (Well, a winter jacket. I'm still wearing a heavy sweater, or a light jacket but still. I am one of those crazy people who, after the winter thinks that anything above 35 is summer weather. Call me crazy, and most do!)

Anyways, tonight is date night. (More on this tomorrow).

And tonight, I think, it will be fun to play in the park. Or walk outside. Or do something that involves the sun, and a light jacket and puddles. And the rosiness on your cheeks from smiling and being in the sun again.

Ahh... welcome spring. I have missed you!

CHOP!

It has happened....

The hair.

Has.

Been.

Cut!!!

This is the picture that I have sent to the "People" while I was in the grocery store, in the snow, after the chopping session.

This is the picture of the pony tail. Yes, I was twirling my hair all day yesterday prior to "The Cut." That's why it's all twisty. Good news, the wig making people just want the hair, even if it is all twisty.

Ok, so now for the story.

I believe in signs. I believe that sometimes God gives you signs and shows you reasons to do things. Yesterday was one of those days.

My hairdresser is about to have a baby (YAY AMY!!!) And I texted her yesterday morning asking her if there was ANY chance she could squeeze me in in the next couple of days/weeks to chop my hair. Because lets face it, my hair is my thing. It's healthy and lovely and beautifully blonde hair.

So, I text her. And I wait, and I wait... and I wait. And THEN, So-Ro's super fabulous Mom comes into clinic. For the first time since So-Ro passed. And she's doing fabulously well, and looks like an all-star and pulled together, and just like the elegant rock that she is. This woman, I tell you, is the epitomy of grace, humility and steadfastness. So anyways, she comes in, and gives us these bracelets and pins and more mass cards that we didn't get at the wake. So, I have this new bracelet and a new pin and a new mass card. And in front of me is a woman who has buried her 6 year old daughter. And I'm concerned about cutting my hair. Sheeshka.

And so, I go back to my office, after about 35 hugs, and look at my phone.

And Amy has texted me, saying that she has an opening at 4:30. As in. THAT day at 4:30. So I have a little bit of a panic, and then I remember Mom So-Ro, and figure, hey, this is a sign.

So, I text Amy back, take the appointment, twirl my hair for the rest of the day, and go and chop it off.

And that, is how it's done. I am shipping the big pony tail tomorrow afternoon, as right now Albany is currently getting extremely snowed on, and well, my car isn't exactly the rock star in the snow that I would need it to be. And, to those who voted in the poll, the actual length is 12.5 inches. Rock. On.

I'm off to go flip and flounce with my new bouncy, short hair.

Oh and PS, JM, while has been prepared for this for over a year now, is adjusting well. He likes the cut and style, it's just that I sort of look like a different person now. ((He actually came into the kitchen last night when I got home and forgot/did a double take on the back of my head. Haha. It's ok. Last year when he shaved his head, it took me close to 3 weeks. Still love ya babe. Don't worry, it'll grow back :) ))

A Guest Post by the ONE and ONLY

Ok everyone, be excited. I have decided that while I am super funny, I have some super funny and extremely insightful friends. They're smart, funny, fabulous, and they have great things to say. And sometimes, it just helps to write things out.

So, what I'm trying to say, is MEET MARIA! She's my new fabulous friend from school, and well... we'll let her take it away from here :) And seriously, read, leave comments, and send me some more followers! Read the whole thing, it's a very realistic introduction, and well... Maria doesn't hold much back. It's part of the reason we get along so well.

And so it begins. How to start this fun new part of my existence? Do i start by introducing myself? Do I jump into being ridiculous, inappropriate, insightful, longwinded, and just downright hilarious? Or....do I explain how I came to meet the wonderful Whitney Lill. I guess I could do it all since that would probably make the most sense.

Hello, My name is Maria and I am addicted to...I just realized that I have two different socks on. Welcome to my life. I like to think of myself as not someone who marches to the beat of their own drummer but as the person who steals the drum and leads a whole new parade. I wouldn’t say it’s because I like to be in control but because this way I can make sure that everyone is smiling and having fun. That’s how I met Whitney. No don’t worry I didn’t steal her drum...I stole her boyfriend. Hahaha Just kidding...I’m a big Lesbo :)

Whitney and I are both Social Work Grad Students. What do we have in common you ask? We are both ridiculously inappropriate which is absolutely wonderful in ever possible way. We like to question why things are the way they are...and we probably won’t stop until we get an answer we like...so we won’t be stopping anytime soon. Whitney is running St. Baldrick’s and I’m shaving my head. I can’t wait!! Oh and of course, we are dating the same boy...DUH!!! (again..just kidding!!)

So you may be asking yourself...or you may have already stopped reading...why is this random lesbo writing for Whitney’s blog. Well that would be because Whitney asked me to. For some reason she thinks I have interesting things to say. I like to think that she has a point in that...but what do I know. I think she is just trying to be nice to her Token Lesbian friend. Just kidding buddy :)

And so it comes to a close. I figure I should keep the first guest blog leaving you wanting more. For those of you who don’t know me...I ask you to not judge and to keep an open mind. I am not sure what I will find inspiration in to write about. I have been through a lot and seen even more. I would do anything for those I care about and would give my life for those I love. I am a big dork and love to laugh all the time. I love piercings and tattoos and plan on getting more. I have designed all of my tattoos and they all have personal meaning to me. In about a month I will look like G.I. Jane and I cannot wait!! I have no idea what tomorrow will hold and that both scares the shit out of me and excites me to no end. I love to play ice hockey and I love getting lost in a good book. I usually get mistaken for a 12 year old boy and I have some really good stories of people being embarrassed because they have mistakenly addressed me as such. Sometimes life can be a real piece of work...but we make it through and THAT is truly inspiring.

~Maria...Over and Out

See??!! I told you, she's great!

The First One

Well this will certainly be something new, fun and exciting.

I have decided to start blogging. Yikes. About my crazy, great, perfectly imperfect life.

I can't promise this will go in any specific direction. It won't be a blog about my kids, because well, I don't have any. It might be a blog about funny stories from bartending. Or about working with people who are just a few crayons short of a full box. It might be the story about a breakdown or two along the crazy life of going back to school and juggling a bunch of other life stuff. It will definitely include funny stories or great adventures with that super great boyfriend, JM. It could be stories from him bartending. It most certainly will try to be funny, include pictures, and hopefully at least a post a week.

That's my new year's resolution, starting in the middle of January. (I also suffer from procrastination, which will definitely be apparent in further posts). So, some more New Year's Resolutions, because if they're written, they just might carry some weight. Good joke, but certainly a different option.

• Get back in shape, and maybe run a half marathon in September.


• Blog at least once a week, even if it's just something silly.


• Smile and laugh every single day even if there doesn't feel like there's something funny to laugh about


• Take pictures of things that matter, and even stuff that doesn't.


• Plan and execute a totally sucessful St. Baldrick's event in March (more to come, I promise on that one)


• Take a trip with JM somewhere new, fun and exciting.

I think that sounds good so far. And those may be more "goals" than anything else.

A girl's gotta start somewhere :)