Being Thankful? Has many meanings.

This Thanksgiving? Was rough.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't all that fun.

It was hard. And emotionally challenging. It was trying. And exhausting.

It was difficult. But also? It was strengthening.

Because family? Whether you see them often, or not so much... is still family. And when things get tough? Families pull together.

So this Thanksgiving, when a major decision had to be made as to the future of my grandfather, and his living situation? I was so thankful that our family pulled together, instead of pulling apart.

And for that, I am so very thankful. (And for the cousin hotline. Because without that? I am sure that this week would have been much different. love)

Pour Your Heart Out: One day at a time

I'm linking up with Shell for a Wednesday Pour Your Heart Out. Check out her site, and all the other bloggers doing the same thing

It's been a rough year.

Everyone around here can kind of feel the struggle, and those in my physical life can see it. I have mentioned it to my parents, and my sisters. I have talked with some of my friends. I've sort of written it here.

And last night, I told JM everything.

That I don't like the person I have become. That I feel empty.

That I'm scared.

That I'm afraid that I'm stuck and afraid that I'm never going to get out of this place.

It is probably the scariest thing to let someone else in to the world that you are experiencing. It's dark sometimes, and it's frightening and it's emotional.

And as my mom can certainly tell you, I am not one for super big emotions. I was a "bottler" when I was a kid. Which is fine, but it probably isn't healthy as an adult.

Because you end up like I was last night. And seriously, no one likes that. But seriously, sometimes that's all you have left.

But JM talked, and listened. And he held me while I cried. He told me he could see that I was hurting, but he didn't know what to say at first. And he supported me. He offered help and assistance. He told me we were "in it together, and we'll figure it out....An easy ride is not what I signed up for."

I never realized how much a job could drain you. How much it could steal from you. How much it could change you: positive or negative.

But I do now, and I refuse to ever feel like this again.

So blog friends, today is a new day. Today is the day that I am reclaiming a lot of me that was lost. I don't promise that I'm going to be all sunshine and happiness, but I think the writer's block might be over. I might actually post more than once a week.

Ha.

I'm going to make this work. I'm making a paper chain countdown til my last day at AMC. And every link is going to be something great.

Heck, these posts might get named with the countdown til the end of my job. Either way, it's time to focus on the positive.

So, today, that's what I'm going to try to do. Even though it's rainy and gross (seriously with this weather today though?!).

And, I'm going to make some arts and crafts tonight. Because I can, and because it's therapeutic, and because well... I have the time to take for myself.

Because even though I can't move up my end date (GAHHHHH!! shaking fist at stupid emails I got this morning) I can create a wall that blocks me from continuing to feel like I'm sad.

Like I can't be myself.

Like smiling is actually hard sometimes.

Because that's not me, and I am getting back to that other person.

The person I want to be, and the person I deserve to be. And, to be giving to others.

One day at a time, friends.
One day at a time.

Pour Your Heart Out: A love for the ages

Shell, over at Things I can't Say, has a great feature on Wednesday's called "Pour Your Heart Out." This is my 3rd post, and again, I am so happy to be part of it.

For the past couple of days, I have been truly missing my Gram. So, this is for her and my Gramps, and the love that they share together.

My Dad's parents, my Gram and Gramps were married for over 65 years. They were together for almost 71. They met back in the 1930s, and while my grandmother was dating someone else, my grandfather fell in love with her.

It is really a cute story, one which I need to tape record and then save forever.

They were apart for almost 5 years while he was in the Service back in WWII. 5 years. And people these days can't handle 5 days. Anyways, that's not really the point.

My Gramps has loved my Gram since the day he met her. He held her hand every chance he got, told her he loved her at every moment. They never doubted eachother. They loved with a passion and a fury that is to be rivaled in the fairy tales. I will forever remember my Grandma holding his hand, while laying in her hospital bed close to her death, saying "Watch this one Whitney, I still got it!" And pulling his HUGE sleeper chair closer to her, remarking "Much better, you were so far away, hon."

I have found letters that they wrote to eachother while Gramps was gone. I am much like my Gram when she was in her 20s, I have come to realize. The sarcastic remarks, the funny quips, and the absolutely hysterical moments of clarity when seeing someone else's character. They are all in her letters to my Gramps, which he has saved for almost 60 years.

Gram, when she was (I think) 25

Gram will have been gone for 3 years this July. It seems almost impossible to think and comprehend that it has been so long. 3 years feels like a lifetime ago.

Relationships in the 20s, and 30s seem to be of historical nature. Marriages lasting well into 60 years. The trust and companionship and pure support that existed. Yes, this is me in rose colored glasses, looking at my grandparents because I am sure that not every single relationship was the same as theirs. They have truly defined "soul mate" in my eyes. There is not one memory that I have of my grandparents where they are without eachother, without their fingers entertwined, without them by eachothers side.

It is a love to be rivaled and strived for. It is a type of love that I hope that I have not only to give, but to also receive.

I miss being able to see that with them. And I am so, so thankful that I have some of these letters to show me that although times get tough, you can push through and make it. You can overcome the obstacles. You can be personally successful and still have someone in your life that loves and supports and is there for you through good and bad. I am so thankful that I have something to compare my life and my love to. Because no one should have anything less than the passion and true love that can endure for over 70 years. Their story is/was hard. But they endured. They are the real life fairy-tale that I have forever been searching for.

An Evening of Will Power

Sorry all, this post has been a long time coming.

On April 24, JM and I were able to attend the First Annual Evening of Will Power, hosted by the Brave Will Foundation. This foundation was started last year after a couple, Matt and Tammy, lost their 6 month old son, to cancer. AT/RT to be exact, which is an absolutely devastating form of cancer. One that has few treatment options, and one that has very little research. One that comes with a crushing feeling. I can't begin to tell their story, but I will say that their family has touched both mine and JM's life forever.

At the time of Will's diagnosis, JM was working on the pediatric floor of Albany Med at nights. He was one of the many people who fell in love with, and became attached to this baby, and his family, over night. They are a family that exudes love, humility, grace and strength, even through the worst of their cancer treatments. Through the worst of their fears and the worst of their struggles. When they were told that their son wasn't going to make it through the weekend. When he responded to treatment, and they were given hope. And when they were told that the cancer had spread and it was time to focus on the time they had left. They were courageous. They were pillars of strength. They are to be admired.

Will eventually responded enough to treatment to get discharged from the inpatient floor, and come into the clinic where my office is to receive outpatient chemo, which is where I fell in love with his family immediately. I had heard stories from JM about them, and he was right. They too, are adults with young children whom he and I look up to, just as So-Ro's family is.

These are some pictures from the event, which is raising money to help fund the palliative care program and to help fund the social workers who work with families, not just patients, while they are facing such times of uncertainty.

Their logo.

Their Mission Statement, which is truly impressive and inspiring. This is a foundation who has come from the depths of despair to try to help other families who are facing uncertain times just as they have.

The picture that is also the cover of their book, which is a compilation of all of the journal entries that Matt wrote while Will was going through treatment. (Suggestion: Please be sure to have a box of tissues readily available).

This is a "picture of a picture" that was taken of Matt and Tammy's two other sons, after Will's passing. They too, are absolutely phenomenal boys, who make you smile, and truly present themselves the way that every parent hopes and wishes that their child will turn out. (It also doesn't hurt that they are fabulously photogenic, and completely and fantastically cute).

The wall of pictures that were hung up during the gala, from times of hospital stays, last days, and the time after Will's passing.

So, to those people who are looking for a way to help, buy a copy of Matt's book here and also learn more about their foundation.

To Matt and Tammy, and the rest of the people who are making this foundation into something that is truly going to affect people's lives, you are amazing. You are parents who love to such an extent that it brings tears to peoples' eyes and truly changes their lives. You are parents who have such strength that even through the turns in the road that would break most people, you have risen. You have given each and every person who meets you, or hears of Will's story something to keep in mind during the toughest of days. You have changed people's lives for the better, making us better people, better friends, better families, and better couples.

Thank you.

Getting back in the Church Groove

Don't mind me, I have a lot to say today :)

Yesterday, JS took me to her church, called Terra Nova, in Troy. It was awesome. I loved it.

I should digress for a quick moment. My parents (Dad raised Catholic, Mom was raised First Congregational) raised my 3 sibs and I, Lutheran. Seeing as we have moved quite frequently until they plopped us all in Webster, we have gone to a multitude of churches. (This too allows me to think that I have location committment anxiety. Coming soon, to the DSM V. Just kidding.)

As in, was baptized in a church in Greece (no worries, still in Rochester), received 1st Communion in New Jersey, and was Confirmed twice (because I needed to get to know the members of our other new church in Webster, versus the one I had been Confirmed at 5 months previous in Penfield. Either way, 2nd Confirmation was cool, I just kind of disliked having to be in Confirmation classes for 3 years. But, I digress).

Anyways.

When I was in 9th grade, my 2nd Confirmation church (Immanuel Lutheran in Webster) went on this fabulous youth group retreat. I loved it. It was a huge group of people in Niagara Falls, singing and dancing and having a great time, and learning about God. It was refreshing. And it was totally non-traditional. And I loved it, because not only was I not getting preached AT, I felt like I was being spoken to. It was educational. And it was awesome.

This Terra Nova church feels the same to me.

It's refreshing.

It's a (very) young crowd.

It's people in their 20s who want to learn about God in order to strengthen their faith. And strengthening faith, whether you believe in God, or just in some other "thing" out in the universe, is something that everyone needs. Sometimes, you need to know that there's something out there that is just bigger than you. There's a plan, and it's not one that you know.

There was a ton of singing, and not the kind of singing that only the elder generations of the church know and understand. The sermon was based on "The Kingdom" because the congregation is doing a prayer study of the Lord's Prayer. And people just kept saying that knowing God was an on-going relationship. It's not something that you are ever going to get perfect. It's not something that you are ever going to fully understand. But it is something that is always there.

And that, to me, really woke me up.
(Digression: I haven't been to Church unless it's been for Easter or Christmas or a funeral in ages. I think college does that to people. Granted, it may also be the drinking and partying and working that I was doing at SUNY. But still, the comments woke me up.)

So, a BIG thank you JS for taking me to church with you. It was absolutely what I think I have been looking for. And while I may be re-discovering this faith and relationship with God, I certainly am going to try. Because everyone needs a little bit of Faith, and a plan that is bigger than you.

At least, I know I do.

Olympics

Every 2 years we have this fabulous time when the world comes together and celebrates those people who have been gifted to be the "best of the best" in the world of athletics.

It's time, for the Olympics. It's a time for great pride in your country. For great pride in the people who are crazy like Shaun White (and choose to do flips off of half-pipe with the chances of hitting your head on the ice and pretty much becoming a vegetable. But I digress)

Granted, ballroom dancing has been added (much to the dismay of many, however, watching the competition, it's quite intense. It's not exactly country line dancing in middle school gym class anymore. What a hassle THAT was).

The Olympics might be the most fun 12 days on TV every 2 years, especially if your country is good at some sport that is included and can rally around. In the 90s during the winter Olympics, it was Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan and Michelle Kwan. And the guy that always looks old cuz he has a bald head and he's a figure skater. First name Scott, last name, I can't remember. Eh, it happens.

This year, as much as I hate to admit it, I just don't know the Americans going to the Winter Olympics and representing our country. Other than Lindsay Vonn (who in order to get paid more is now posing for Sports Illustrated) Shaun White (who is 23 and making TONS of money) and Bode Miller.

Are we as a country going to topple medal counts like we do in the summer Olympics (thank YOU Michael Phelps, with your pot smoking rock hard abs that I am sure JM is sick of hearing about, hahaha). Maybe, maybe not. But even if we don't I think it's important to recognize those people who have busted their butts to get to where they are today.

Shooting a trillion miles a minute down the craziest ski slopes (when I get scared I fall and almost hit trees. Story for another time but totally true). Or going around in the tiniest of circles with blades on their feet. Or getting tossed in the air, doing spins and hoping the person that's supposed to catch you is still standing.

Congratulations on your huge accomplishment. I know I couldn't do it, but man I sure am glad NBC devotes every channel they have to showing you all day long for the next 12. Good luck Vancouver. I hope it snows and doesn't rain.

There's beauty in the breakdown (and other random updates)

***Before we get to the rest of the post. I am impressed by the people who have voted in the poll about my hair. Not gonna lie, I measured it on Sunday, and it's looking like I am going to be able to donate a LOT. Definitely more than 8 inches, because let's face it, I have definitely had my eyes peeled for super cute "short bobs" recently. And photo suggestions are appreciated. But seriously. 8 inches is NOT that much (hahah that's what she said!)***

So, as many of you (yay!!! 12!) are probably dying to know... the breakdown has come (and gone, for the most part).

After attending So-Ro's wake last Tuesday, I found it hard to write.
I found it hard to breathe, or speak or do anything, but cry.
And eat carbs.
(Which we are severely officially imiting due to the fact that it's now FEBRUARY which means that I need to get my butt in gear/shape for the rest of... uh. my life.)

But after watching a family stand so stoically beside their 6 year old daughter and comforting the people who waited in an almost 2 hour long line (and Mom was in heels no less!) I lost it.
Such a beautiful child, taken much too soon, and a family who has lost a ray of its sunshine who shared light and love and laughter, even in the grayest of times.
A family that can define themselves by the grace that they maintain, the strength that they show others, and the love they have for eachother and for the life and experiences they had with a beautiful, brave, graceful, smiling, laughing daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter and friend.

I remember telling Mom So-Ro, that I had decided that I have many role models in life. You have the role models as a child that you want to "be" when you grow up. But once you reach adulthood, I have realized that there are many different "life stage" role models. Mom So-Ro is the mother I hope to be, to the children I one day hope to have. The mother who is able to stand in the face of complete uncertainty and hardship and think about someone else, while they themselves are crumbling. The mother who gives themselves so completely to their children that a piece of her is forever with each of them. To be the mother who is the rock to all those around her because she is so completely with them, and they with her.

JM asked if I wanted to talk about it when I got home. After shaking my head "no," and sitting in a kitchen table chair for about 20 minutes, he came back to the table, looked at me with a bewildered almost expression and said "I don't know if you want me around or if you want to just be right now." It was comforting, and exactly what I needed. I then proceeded to tell him that once the tears stopped, I was definitely going to need him to just hold my hand and my heart. Which at that point, couldn't handle being alone.

That's the funny thing about loving someone. Their pain is yours, and yours is theirs. And sometimes, if you're lucky, you find friends, a partner, or just acquaintances who give you a hug (or a big tip if you're bartending which is similiar to a hug, except in money form from a stranger on a day that isn't so great) that know when to leave you alone, and when to step up their presence. JM is one of them. JS, the super fabulous roommate from heaven, is another. I dont't know what I would have been able to do without her the past couple of days. She has been available, around, able to talk, bringing chocolate (and a Pandora angel charm for So-Ro) and just an ear to listen. So, to JS, thank you. I couldn't be more thankful for having you around not only the past couple of days, but most certainly the past couple of months. JM and I will certainly be visiting you and the super fabulous fiance. But probably when you are the super fabulous newly married couple. Don't worry. We'll give you a chance to settle first :)

So, to all of you blog-readers, thank you. To all of my friends who have texted or asked how I was doing, thank you. To my family, who is far away, but I know I'm still in your thoughts and prayers, thank you.

Keep it together

Please consider this your first, last and only warning. You are hereby on notice. You need to get your shit together. I’m tired of watching you struggle every day to simply function.

You are better than this.

I know that the past few months have been tough.

I know that you keep a lot bottled up.

I know that most days you feel so full you wonder how you don’t explode.

You are stronger than this.

Pull yourself together and shake out the cobwebs.

Plant your feet on the ground and get your balance back.

Figure out how to move forward instead of in circles.

You are better than this.
-anonymous, but so, so true.