Pour Your Heart Out: Get up and Live

Every time I go to write a Pour Your Heart Out post with Shell I go from thinking I should write about my family, or my job, or what's going on in my life. Something interesting, something that people will like to hear or read about. And then I start writing, and sometimes it meshes, and sometimes it doesn't. This is kind of rambly. Bare with me.

or don't, but hey, your choice! :)

Over the past couple of days, I have, as I wrote last week, spent a lot of time in Rochester. I have tan lines because I sat at the pool (!!!!!) and it's great. But I also came to the realization.

As I get older I have come to realize how much my family can mean to me. Whether it's hearing the same stories from Grandpa "Crunchy" and trying to correct his political incorrectness (which I have given up on, unless it's really bothersome, because seriously, at 80 I am just not going to be able to influence him at this point) or going to pick up Gramps and visiting all of my now "Over 90 club" favorites at his retirement facility, 2 of which were in his wedding party almost 70 years ago, or meeting my cousin's son for the first time (even though he's 18 months old), or giving up the fight while getting thrown in the pool, it was a great way to spend 5 days. It was a much needed reminder of how much going back and seeing my family can do for me mentally and physically. I am refreshed (post pool toss of course) and I'm ready to go.

Especially because I found out that one of my aunt's actually reads my blog! And thinks I'm good at this whole "writing" thing. It was nice to hear, and it was kind of surprising to find out that she reads this, but hey, I'm all about people reading and following and commenting, so what the heck, I'll take it :)

So thanks, to my family, to my friends, to my blogging friends for making the past 6.5 months something fun, and opening up a creative and fun aspect of my life. This isn't like my other PYHO posts, but I thought I needed it today.

Time to go and apply some more after sun lotion to keep this tan a bit longer.... ahhh, summer.

PS. I started training for my 5K in September. Couch to 5K program. I am seriously out of shape, but if I can't devote 25 minutes 3 times a week to this, I have massive problems.

Cuz seriously, I just spent 25 minutes writing and editing this. While sitting. And thinking about how it's been 6 months in this year and this is the first time I actually took a step towards accomplishing one of my new years resolutions. It's no half marathon, but a 5k is still a good step.

Sheeshka.

Oh, and ps go check out Tessica, who has this AWESOME feature on her blog called 26 before 26 because seriously, it's great, and well... almost like a bucket list of things to do before a certain point in your life... In her case, before the age of 26. Who doesn't like a fun "Life List"?! It reminds you to get up and LIVE. Which is the most important anyways.

Pour Your Heart Out: One day at a time

I'm linking up with Shell for a Wednesday Pour Your Heart Out. Check out her site, and all the other bloggers doing the same thing

It's been a rough year.

Everyone around here can kind of feel the struggle, and those in my physical life can see it. I have mentioned it to my parents, and my sisters. I have talked with some of my friends. I've sort of written it here.

And last night, I told JM everything.

That I don't like the person I have become. That I feel empty.

That I'm scared.

That I'm afraid that I'm stuck and afraid that I'm never going to get out of this place.

It is probably the scariest thing to let someone else in to the world that you are experiencing. It's dark sometimes, and it's frightening and it's emotional.

And as my mom can certainly tell you, I am not one for super big emotions. I was a "bottler" when I was a kid. Which is fine, but it probably isn't healthy as an adult.

Because you end up like I was last night. And seriously, no one likes that. But seriously, sometimes that's all you have left.

But JM talked, and listened. And he held me while I cried. He told me he could see that I was hurting, but he didn't know what to say at first. And he supported me. He offered help and assistance. He told me we were "in it together, and we'll figure it out....An easy ride is not what I signed up for."

I never realized how much a job could drain you. How much it could steal from you. How much it could change you: positive or negative.

But I do now, and I refuse to ever feel like this again.

So blog friends, today is a new day. Today is the day that I am reclaiming a lot of me that was lost. I don't promise that I'm going to be all sunshine and happiness, but I think the writer's block might be over. I might actually post more than once a week.

Ha.

I'm going to make this work. I'm making a paper chain countdown til my last day at AMC. And every link is going to be something great.

Heck, these posts might get named with the countdown til the end of my job. Either way, it's time to focus on the positive.

So, today, that's what I'm going to try to do. Even though it's rainy and gross (seriously with this weather today though?!).

And, I'm going to make some arts and crafts tonight. Because I can, and because it's therapeutic, and because well... I have the time to take for myself.

Because even though I can't move up my end date (GAHHHHH!! shaking fist at stupid emails I got this morning) I can create a wall that blocks me from continuing to feel like I'm sad.

Like I can't be myself.

Like smiling is actually hard sometimes.

Because that's not me, and I am getting back to that other person.

The person I want to be, and the person I deserve to be. And, to be giving to others.

One day at a time, friends.
One day at a time.

Pour Your Heart Out: A love for the ages

Shell, over at Things I can't Say, has a great feature on Wednesday's called "Pour Your Heart Out." This is my 3rd post, and again, I am so happy to be part of it.

For the past couple of days, I have been truly missing my Gram. So, this is for her and my Gramps, and the love that they share together.

My Dad's parents, my Gram and Gramps were married for over 65 years. They were together for almost 71. They met back in the 1930s, and while my grandmother was dating someone else, my grandfather fell in love with her.

It is really a cute story, one which I need to tape record and then save forever.

They were apart for almost 5 years while he was in the Service back in WWII. 5 years. And people these days can't handle 5 days. Anyways, that's not really the point.

My Gramps has loved my Gram since the day he met her. He held her hand every chance he got, told her he loved her at every moment. They never doubted eachother. They loved with a passion and a fury that is to be rivaled in the fairy tales. I will forever remember my Grandma holding his hand, while laying in her hospital bed close to her death, saying "Watch this one Whitney, I still got it!" And pulling his HUGE sleeper chair closer to her, remarking "Much better, you were so far away, hon."

I have found letters that they wrote to eachother while Gramps was gone. I am much like my Gram when she was in her 20s, I have come to realize. The sarcastic remarks, the funny quips, and the absolutely hysterical moments of clarity when seeing someone else's character. They are all in her letters to my Gramps, which he has saved for almost 60 years.

Gram, when she was (I think) 25

Gram will have been gone for 3 years this July. It seems almost impossible to think and comprehend that it has been so long. 3 years feels like a lifetime ago.

Relationships in the 20s, and 30s seem to be of historical nature. Marriages lasting well into 60 years. The trust and companionship and pure support that existed. Yes, this is me in rose colored glasses, looking at my grandparents because I am sure that not every single relationship was the same as theirs. They have truly defined "soul mate" in my eyes. There is not one memory that I have of my grandparents where they are without eachother, without their fingers entertwined, without them by eachothers side.

It is a love to be rivaled and strived for. It is a type of love that I hope that I have not only to give, but to also receive.

I miss being able to see that with them. And I am so, so thankful that I have some of these letters to show me that although times get tough, you can push through and make it. You can overcome the obstacles. You can be personally successful and still have someone in your life that loves and supports and is there for you through good and bad. I am so thankful that I have something to compare my life and my love to. Because no one should have anything less than the passion and true love that can endure for over 70 years. Their story is/was hard. But they endured. They are the real life fairy-tale that I have forever been searching for.

Pour Your Heart Out: My first one

So, I know... it's a shock, I found another blog I am now following and am a huge fan of. So, this is my first, "Pour Your Heart Out" blog.



So, here goes.

First heart breaks are awful. They are horrendous. They tear you apart and they make you feel helpless.

After yesterday, I am pretty sure that the only thing that is worse than your own personal first heartbreak, is watching or listening to someone elses, who you love and would do anything for.

It is awful to be on the phone 200+ miles away and not be able to do anything.

To feel helpless.

To not be able to give a hug, and say that this will pass. Eventually you will get past this. You will love better than this again. And eventually you will not feel like your heart is being pounded on by a 400 lb gorilla wearing stiletto heels.

Someone once told me that in this world there are a lot of different types of love. Not many people end up with their first. But, there is always a first, and while you always will love that person, you eventually move on. And you fall in love again. And this second love, teaches and shows you how far it is that you have come in personal growth, since the first.

So, favorite/only little bro-ski, this is for you. I love you, and I wish I could hug you right now. Please know that we are all here for you, even though it feels like you are alone. xo. xo. xo.
Love you,
Your big sis.