The importance of being where you are. The moment.

Being a social work student has taught me plenty.  What interventions to use with specific clients. How to evaluate them. How to research. How to be unconditionally present.  How to meet clients where they are, instead of where I (as a clinician) may want them to be.

But this semester? In a class around the topic of grief and loss? I learned how to sit with my own feelings.  To be ok (or begin to be ok) with them.

Because it is not just being able to be ok sitting with clients and their feelings, it's important to be able to as an individual, be able to sit with our own.

It is so often that I think that because I have been trained in specific skills that I should have all the answers.  That I should be able to handle every situation thrown in my direction with perfection and the "right" ways.  It's a lie.

Learning to be ok with where I am as an individual, social worker or not, has been a great new way to be able to look at my life, and look at the decisions that I am very quickly going to be needing to make.

It's ok to be sad.  It's ok to grieve the end of something that I thought I was ready for.  It's ok to be happy, to continue living.  To continue growing.  To continue to make choices and decisions because without them, you are stagnant. Unchanging. Because without making a decision, you are, in fact, choosing.

And what fun is a world in which you are unable to change?

It is the lesson I am most thankful for.  Learning to be OK with where I am.  To accept it.  And to keep plugging along, whether the days are smooth like a lake in the morning, or challenging and scary... a day in which your footing just isn't always sure.

It's life.  And if I can't accept and be OK with where I am, how can I expect others to be just as OK with where I am?  Being where you are. In the present. In the moment.  Living.

Being Thankful? Has many meanings.

This Thanksgiving? Was rough.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't all that fun.

It was hard. And emotionally challenging. It was trying. And exhausting.

It was difficult. But also? It was strengthening.

Because family? Whether you see them often, or not so much... is still family. And when things get tough? Families pull together.

So this Thanksgiving, when a major decision had to be made as to the future of my grandfather, and his living situation? I was so thankful that our family pulled together, instead of pulling apart.

And for that, I am so very thankful. (And for the cousin hotline. Because without that? I am sure that this week would have been much different. love)

Life's Teaching Moments

The holidays are officially here.

And this year that was full of difficult, life-changing decisions? Is almost over.

I can't say I'm not excited to see 2011 coming to its end. But this year that was so hard? Has taught so much.

That I am stronger than I thought.

That I can make it.

That some days? Are definitely harder than others.

That tears are ok.

But that through tears? There is laughter.

That I love with everything I have.

That slipping and tripping up sometimes? Happens.

That friends who care about you, are always there.

That sometimes all a girl needs? Is some sunshine.

That family is there for the ups and downs and everything else.

And that those who were once the tight, close, support system? Life is sometimes better off without them.

That jobs can come and go. But that this school program is only once, so those lessons? Are invaluable.

I started this blog because I had a lot of time on my hands. I'm going to continue it this upcoming year. Because being able to look back is important, and growing through struggle is vital. I stopped writing frequently because I didn't have a whole lot to say that was funny. Or well, that I thought was funny and worth sharing.

But sharing is important. Writing is important. Maintaining positive relationships is important. Taking chances are important. Learning is important. And in the last months that I have left in Albany before graduation in May? I'm going to do all of those things. Check back for a new blog.

Hope. Change. Believe. Strength. Love. Faith. Breathe.

For. The. Love.

An anniversary people shouldn't have to have

Today is the 6 year anniversary of my Uncle Don's death.

And still, like it was yesterday, I remember every detail.

From sitting in a girl down the hall's dorm room, getting ready for a fun Saturday night out on the town.

From calling my boyfriend, and my friends.

From trying to figure out how I was going to get home.

From missing a week of school.

From wishing more than anything I could not go back to school.

From standing with my sisters and my cousin at the casket at the end of calling hours, in silence, with tears running down our faces because we couldn't go up alone.

From wishing I could take the pain that my mom, her parents, and my cousins had to face.

From praying that I would wake up and it would all be a dream.

From knowing that the last time I spoke to him, he ended the conversation with "Da-Niece, have a great time at college, and don't get into more trouble than I would."

From realizing that our family dynamic had forever changed.

And on this day, I remember the laughter, the Budweiser, the crazy water gun fights, the memories, the vegetable dip on my hands, the serious talks and threats at my graduation party, the trips to get thrown into pools, lakes and whatever other body of water was around.

And I wish more than anything, I was able to tell him one more time how much he meant to me.

*photo taken courtesy of Sarah at Love has many Flavors

I'm baaaaack....

Hello blog world, it has been a while.

I have received word from LA that I haven't written in well....

a really, really long time.

I'm sorry. I don't know why so many of us feel the need to apologize for not writing, but I promise, I'm coming back.

Quick recap of the past month (ish) of my life:

Spent a week at home with the family. Laying in the pool, eating Rochester food, and loving Wegmans. It was great, relaxing, and full of sun, which for Rochester, is a tad bit of a miracle.

And then I came back to Albany, enjoyed days of sleeping in, adjusting to my life as a newly full time unemployed person, and worked at a restaurant around the corner from the Saratoga Race Track.

I met girls that are fantastic. Actually, the sentence that came out of my mouth day 2 of working there was "You know, I have never met girls quite like you all before, especially being the new girl in a restaurant. This is fantastic."

It's great. And it's a 35 minute drive from home, which means I have time to think, and just be ME in my car. I love it.

I would have won $5,000 on the Travers Stakes...

had I actually placed my bet.

Gah.

My birthday was last week. The big 24. So I guess I need to do some re-editing of this site, as well... perfectly imperfect at 23 doesn't work when you're 24. Eh. Whatevs. Keep reading k?

My boyfriend, the lovely JM, "proposed" using ringpops for my birthday. Yes, he is still alive, and no, there was no other ring to back them up. It's fine, these things happen. He thought it was funny, and our friends, well.... they're impressed he's breathing still. It's ok, I still love him :)

We joined the JCC, aka Jewish Community Center. We aren't Jewish. It's great. There is a pool where I can swim laps. Yay. Hopefully my hair doesn't turn green, but hey, if it does, it'll just be a great new look.

School has restarted, and after a LOVELY 2 days of "field orientation" or as I am lovingly referring to it as, the worst way to spend 12 hours which I will never get back ever, ever again, I am getting back into school mode. This year, I am promising that I am going to actually do the readings. JM is very supportive, and so, this has become my new life:

I have become best friends with my coffee maker again. Be impressed, I promise, I'm back :)

Dear Gram,

Dear Gram,

Today, it's been 3 years.

3 years since you were here.

3 years since Courtney, Stacy and I went to get you ice-cream.

3 years since the infamous July where we spent a month in the hospital, all together, taking over conference rooms for weeks at a time.

Getting calls in the middle of the night hearing you weren't going to make it through the night. Or through the day.

To rush to the hospital. To have to leave work. To have your last rites read to you.

And then, in true you fashion, to have you be sitting up in bed 8 hours later ordering your lunch for the next day.

That month brought our family together in a way that we hadn't been before. It brought the cousins together. It created a bond that cannot and will not be broken.

It's been 3 years and one week since you held my hand and asked me "Is it ok if I don't die this week?" as if it was going to mess up my plans.

It was the last thing you said to me before you were moved to hospice.

And one week later, you were gone. Almost to the minute.

It's been three years, and so much has changed. You have more great-grand-children. You are gaining another grandson through marriage with Courtney. Your grandkids are continuing and furthering their families, and their educations. We are growing and changing; but we are maintaining and taking care of each other in ways you would love.

You never got to meet JM. Grandpa seems to be impressed, but I wish you could have met him still. You would have loved him. (He's warm, too!) And he's smart. And he takes good care of me. He's respectful, and loves spending time with Grandpa when he's back in Rochester with me. He's a good fit with the family.

I know that no matter what, you are looking out for all of us, in each of our paths.

But it doesn't make me miss you any less every day.

I miss you, and I love you.

-Whitney

Changing expectations

There comes a point when you have to realize what can be, and what will never be.

This is quite obviously, not a San Diego update. That will come this evening, because I’m currently writing a whole bunch of computers to just try and get my head back to where it needs to be.

My last day at my full time job is tomorrow.

Tomorrow. (Kinda makes you want to sing “Annie” doesn’t it?)

However, the woman who is replacing me, has now had 2 weeks in which to semi grasp what the job description is. Ask questions. Ask how she needs to be doing things.

She hasn’t.

The questions she has asked, though? How do you open a document when you’re already in Word?

How do you turn on and off the computer?

How do I type a list if there is already something written here?

Training her on customer service skills and how to answer a phone in a professional environment, instead of just answering with a “Hello.”

I don’t mean for this blog post to be offensive. I don’t mean for it to be bitchy. I don’t mean for it to be a rant.

But it is a way for me to be able to express myself, and my frustrations. And I am frustrated to the point of exasperation and high blood pressure. I almost don't know how to answer these questions. Because honestly, I have never had to teach someone that when you are in a professional environment, you don't answer a phone "hello."

((You also never bring religious books in either, especially ones about "Finding your better God" because it makes many people uncomfortable. Including the physician you share an office with. Who works with children who sometimes die of their cancer, and it's awful. But that's a story for a different time I think...))

My father has taught me to do things right the first time. “Touch it once, Whitney, and let it be done the proper way. You’ll never have to go back and do it again.”

My office is covered in post it notes that say the same thing. Because the same questions are being asked, over and over and over again. There is zero ability to multi-task. There is literally no ability to retain information that has been given more than once. In fact, there isn’t even any recognition that the information has already been given to her.

I worked hard to make the program run in a way that was successful over the past 2+ years. I worked hard to make it organized, and to be sure I was receiving comments from students that were “this is the most organized a clerkship has been all year.”

And now, for all of that work, to feel like it’s slipping away and was for nothing? I’m sad to leave; I’m certainly not going to miss everyone I work with. But I am going to miss making sure that there are students who were being taken care of in a way that was aiming to make them as successful as they wanted to be.

And now I’m nervous for these new students. I am nervous for this woman. Because students who pay over $60,000 a year to go to school? They want things done right the first time.

And it’s not going to happen.

A little piece of San Diego, til tomorrow

So, tomorrow, there will be a long update. A vacation update. An update of almost epic proportions, but let's not get crazy here.

Today, a taste. A smidge. A little sampling.

Because I have done my Momma proud, and took over 500 pictures on a weeks long vacation. Holy. Cow.

This was the greatest meal we ate in San Diego. At LaFiesta, and this was their cold seafood sampler. It was a special. And deliciously special it indeed was. If you have a chance to eat, there. Do it. And try to be sneaky like me, and give the waitress your credit card to treat your super great JM. Being tricky is the best, especially when the food was this holywowdeliciousnessinmymouthWOW.

Just a cute one. On the beach in Coronado Island. Toes in the sand. And yes. My toes are not my sisters princess feet. But they officially have a flip flop tan, and I'm pumped. Sweet business friends, sweet business.

Before we got JM some tylenol to get rid of the wicked bad headache he had. He said it was because he had gone 24+ hours without a beer. Eh, we got some tylenol, some lunch and beer, and wouldn't ya know it? Headache gone ;) And seriously. What a great photog I am. Yes, I am tooting my horn.

On the harbor cruise around the SD bay. So much fun, and so much sun. And an hour of touring around the crazy ships and bases. JM was in his glory. "Babe! Look over there! Those types of planes do thisandthisandthisandthis!" I had no idea.

Until tomorrow, kind friends. When there will be stories, and pictures, and fabulousness.

Because my "nifty" friend has to go to training all day long, and I get to spend quality time back with all of YOU! I have missed you!!!

A taste of Rochester: The Trash Plate Edition

This is Jake. He is my Cousin Once Removed aka Snugs aka Veagabomb. (No joke, that's what some of his friends call him. Awesome nickname? I think YES) And he is sitting with a trash/garbage plate.

And it is glorious.

Now, for all those readers who aren't from upstate/western NY and don't know what a trash plate is, here's the breakdown:

1: Styrofoam plate
1/2 home fries (or french fries depending on where you are)
1/2 macaroni salad
2 cheeseburger patties
Mustard
Chopped Onions
andddd the Secret HotSauce
As much ketchup as you would like. I tend to use.... a lot. As can be seen by the "1/2 plate" aka less one burger patty that Jake "Veagabomb" and I split while I was at home.

And then... enjoy.

Now, because this is considered the "drunk" food of Rochester, because well, there aren't many people who willingly put this into their bodies while they are sober, you have to understand.

It's also not something you eat every day. Because seriously....
Do a google search. You'll see why. It's the amount of calories for almost 2 full days. And we'll just leave it at that.

Upon ingesting the garbage/trash plate in a state that is reached after alcohol consumption...

I
Guarantee
You
Will
Not
Be
Hungover
The
Next
Day.

There. I said it. It is the cure-all for hangovers/enough calories and grease to put in you after a night out on the town.

And it is the one thing that those people who move away from Rochester, go back to have. Even if it is fabulously unhealthy. What's the treadmill for, people!?

Well.... that and Abbott's ice cream. But that post, my friends, is for another day. One in which I will tell you all things that are delicious about Chocolate. Almond. Soft Serve.

PS. trying to be a pescatarian at my brother's graduation party? Yea, it didn't work. I'm back on the bandwagon, but still, there was too much chicken being served for every meal. And the deal is that while changing your personal diet choices, you don't become a burden to those around you. Or make them feel guilty.

So I ate chicken.

And.... some pulled pork. Because my mom makes the most bomb pulled pork ever. Well, I guess I do, because I sat pulling it for an hour pre-party ;) oh well, whatever, it was delicious!

Pour Your Heart Out: Get up and Live

Every time I go to write a Pour Your Heart Out post with Shell I go from thinking I should write about my family, or my job, or what's going on in my life. Something interesting, something that people will like to hear or read about. And then I start writing, and sometimes it meshes, and sometimes it doesn't. This is kind of rambly. Bare with me.

or don't, but hey, your choice! :)

Over the past couple of days, I have, as I wrote last week, spent a lot of time in Rochester. I have tan lines because I sat at the pool (!!!!!) and it's great. But I also came to the realization.

As I get older I have come to realize how much my family can mean to me. Whether it's hearing the same stories from Grandpa "Crunchy" and trying to correct his political incorrectness (which I have given up on, unless it's really bothersome, because seriously, at 80 I am just not going to be able to influence him at this point) or going to pick up Gramps and visiting all of my now "Over 90 club" favorites at his retirement facility, 2 of which were in his wedding party almost 70 years ago, or meeting my cousin's son for the first time (even though he's 18 months old), or giving up the fight while getting thrown in the pool, it was a great way to spend 5 days. It was a much needed reminder of how much going back and seeing my family can do for me mentally and physically. I am refreshed (post pool toss of course) and I'm ready to go.

Especially because I found out that one of my aunt's actually reads my blog! And thinks I'm good at this whole "writing" thing. It was nice to hear, and it was kind of surprising to find out that she reads this, but hey, I'm all about people reading and following and commenting, so what the heck, I'll take it :)

So thanks, to my family, to my friends, to my blogging friends for making the past 6.5 months something fun, and opening up a creative and fun aspect of my life. This isn't like my other PYHO posts, but I thought I needed it today.

Time to go and apply some more after sun lotion to keep this tan a bit longer.... ahhh, summer.

PS. I started training for my 5K in September. Couch to 5K program. I am seriously out of shape, but if I can't devote 25 minutes 3 times a week to this, I have massive problems.

Cuz seriously, I just spent 25 minutes writing and editing this. While sitting. And thinking about how it's been 6 months in this year and this is the first time I actually took a step towards accomplishing one of my new years resolutions. It's no half marathon, but a 5k is still a good step.

Sheeshka.

Oh, and ps go check out Tessica, who has this AWESOME feature on her blog called 26 before 26 because seriously, it's great, and well... almost like a bucket list of things to do before a certain point in your life... In her case, before the age of 26. Who doesn't like a fun "Life List"?! It reminds you to get up and LIVE. Which is the most important anyways.

Over the river and through...

well, you know the rest.

I am going back to Rochester tomorrow for a WHOPPING 5 whole days!! I am so excited to be back there, have more than 27 hours off, and to celebrate a whole lot of things.

On the agenda for celebrations:
My (baby) brother's high school graduation (GAH!!!! I feel SO old, this is not ok.) When I graduated from high school, and realized that he wouldn't graduate until 2010, I said, "Wow, self, that is super far away." And now it's here. And while there were times that he didn't think he would make it through (thank you, high school bullsh*t, you truly are over-rated) he did it, and I am so excited to witness the next part of his journey. With a soccer ball at his feet of course! (And his birthday, but seriously, there is a lot of celebrating going on at a graduation party. Don't worry Andrew, there are presents for both, I promise! :))

My Grandpa "Crunchy"s 80th birthday. Sure to be a great time surrounded by the entire Clark side of the family, this part of the weekend will be fun, celebratory and a time to catch up and relax around eachother.

My Mom's big FIVE-OH birthday. Love you, Mom! Sorry I couldn't be there on Sunday, but I promise, there will be great hugs, smiles, pictures and happiness. I am so lucky to have such a great mother who is such a great example as to what love and strength are.

My sister's birthdays (because I didn't make it home for those either, yikes, I am sucking as a big sis) Because even though turning 22 is totally lame, everyone needs to celebrate the one-year-anniversary-of-turning-21. And what better way to do it than with a lovely raspberry martini by the pool? And a pedicure and manicure too if we can squeeze it in!

Father's Day with my Dad, Gramps, and Grandpa. All. In. The. Same. Place. Totally crazy, but I am so happy to be home for a Father's Day where everyone is together. Yay!

And, with any trip back to Rochester, it will be full of trips to Wegmans, hopefully a trash plate (pictures to come, I promise. Seriously. So. Good. And soooo fabulously unhealthy!) lots of pictures, changing weather every 3 minutes, getting thrown into a pool once, twice, and let's be serious, probably 5 times, bon-fires, laughing, crying and lots of time together with those I love.


And by the time Monday comes around, may be a little tired of.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

You can expect some blog picture updates. I don't promise an update til I get back, but hey, you never know. ;)

And, while you're here, be sure to check out my fun friends that are new to the bloggy world, K and B. Show them some comment love, and be sure to drop me one too!

PS. New favorite flavor of coffee from DD: Toasted Almond. Seriously, do it. This is not something you regret.

Pour Your Heart Out: A love for the ages

Shell, over at Things I can't Say, has a great feature on Wednesday's called "Pour Your Heart Out." This is my 3rd post, and again, I am so happy to be part of it.

For the past couple of days, I have been truly missing my Gram. So, this is for her and my Gramps, and the love that they share together.

My Dad's parents, my Gram and Gramps were married for over 65 years. They were together for almost 71. They met back in the 1930s, and while my grandmother was dating someone else, my grandfather fell in love with her.

It is really a cute story, one which I need to tape record and then save forever.

They were apart for almost 5 years while he was in the Service back in WWII. 5 years. And people these days can't handle 5 days. Anyways, that's not really the point.

My Gramps has loved my Gram since the day he met her. He held her hand every chance he got, told her he loved her at every moment. They never doubted eachother. They loved with a passion and a fury that is to be rivaled in the fairy tales. I will forever remember my Grandma holding his hand, while laying in her hospital bed close to her death, saying "Watch this one Whitney, I still got it!" And pulling his HUGE sleeper chair closer to her, remarking "Much better, you were so far away, hon."

I have found letters that they wrote to eachother while Gramps was gone. I am much like my Gram when she was in her 20s, I have come to realize. The sarcastic remarks, the funny quips, and the absolutely hysterical moments of clarity when seeing someone else's character. They are all in her letters to my Gramps, which he has saved for almost 60 years.

Gram, when she was (I think) 25

Gram will have been gone for 3 years this July. It seems almost impossible to think and comprehend that it has been so long. 3 years feels like a lifetime ago.

Relationships in the 20s, and 30s seem to be of historical nature. Marriages lasting well into 60 years. The trust and companionship and pure support that existed. Yes, this is me in rose colored glasses, looking at my grandparents because I am sure that not every single relationship was the same as theirs. They have truly defined "soul mate" in my eyes. There is not one memory that I have of my grandparents where they are without eachother, without their fingers entertwined, without them by eachothers side.

It is a love to be rivaled and strived for. It is a type of love that I hope that I have not only to give, but to also receive.

I miss being able to see that with them. And I am so, so thankful that I have some of these letters to show me that although times get tough, you can push through and make it. You can overcome the obstacles. You can be personally successful and still have someone in your life that loves and supports and is there for you through good and bad. I am so thankful that I have something to compare my life and my love to. Because no one should have anything less than the passion and true love that can endure for over 70 years. Their story is/was hard. But they endured. They are the real life fairy-tale that I have forever been searching for.