The importance of being where you are. The moment.

Being a social work student has taught me plenty.  What interventions to use with specific clients. How to evaluate them. How to research. How to be unconditionally present.  How to meet clients where they are, instead of where I (as a clinician) may want them to be.

But this semester? In a class around the topic of grief and loss? I learned how to sit with my own feelings.  To be ok (or begin to be ok) with them.

Because it is not just being able to be ok sitting with clients and their feelings, it's important to be able to as an individual, be able to sit with our own.

It is so often that I think that because I have been trained in specific skills that I should have all the answers.  That I should be able to handle every situation thrown in my direction with perfection and the "right" ways.  It's a lie.

Learning to be ok with where I am as an individual, social worker or not, has been a great new way to be able to look at my life, and look at the decisions that I am very quickly going to be needing to make.

It's ok to be sad.  It's ok to grieve the end of something that I thought I was ready for.  It's ok to be happy, to continue living.  To continue growing.  To continue to make choices and decisions because without them, you are stagnant. Unchanging. Because without making a decision, you are, in fact, choosing.

And what fun is a world in which you are unable to change?

It is the lesson I am most thankful for.  Learning to be OK with where I am.  To accept it.  And to keep plugging along, whether the days are smooth like a lake in the morning, or challenging and scary... a day in which your footing just isn't always sure.

It's life.  And if I can't accept and be OK with where I am, how can I expect others to be just as OK with where I am?  Being where you are. In the present. In the moment.  Living.

Decisions, decisions

The first full week of 2012 has brought a lot of decisions.

Or changes.

Not changes in me, but changes in the way that I am approaching my life.

You could say that well.... I have hit the point of making choices because I have not much left to lose, and therefore, everything to gain.

It's been a week of firsts, easy and the most difficult.

Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

I decided to shave my head.

Yes. You read that correctly.

The action that I have been talking about for 4 years is finally happening. I'm shaving my head for St. Baldrick's this year. I announced it on Thursday and have been given nothing but support from friends that surprised me. From friends that I knew would be there, and from people who have come out of the woodwork. I am shocked. I am surprised. I am thrilled.

And I am exhilirated.

I cannot wait until the day will come that I will become a shavee for this great organization. I have organized for years. I have participated as an event organizer. I have cheered, raised money, spread the word, and supported others.

And now it's my turn. To face the clippers. To support the kids and families who have changed my life. To become part of the team and community that I love so much.

People have said that they are proud of me. That I should not be ashamed of being bald. That they are impressed. And to that, I ask and say, it's not me that you should be proud or impressed of (but I'm excited you are, because well, that means you should donate to this awesome cause!!). This is not something that I am ashamed of.

It is something that I am excited to do. It is something that I have talked about for so long, but have had an excuse each year. The excuses, my friends? Are over.

So when the details keep coming, I hope you will support this great cause. I have meetings this week, and should have the website up by Wednesday.

I am so excited, and I hope that my journey will excite you all as well.

Something to live for. Something to breathe for. Something to care for. A cause and a group to love. And an event that has invigorated me each year that I have participated. I can only imagine what the Albany St. Baldrick's 2012 event has in store.

And? I am so, so excited!!

^^^^ The curly hair. Pre-shave.^^^^

Or, well, a couple weeks ago!

A tale of 2.

This blog post brought to you by the good people at the wine store. (And girlfriends, of course).

As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking over a conversation that my girlfriend and I had at dinner. A conversation about guys, life, relationships, work, and well... growing up and trying to make it work. A conversation about being ourselves and finding someone who understood that at the end of the day.... And it got me thinking.

I am sarcastic...

... because it's easy, and it's a wall.

I have walls...

... for protection from those around me.

I smile and laugh...

... when crying would be easier.

I'm a little crazy...

... because it's more fun that way.

I am strong...

... because that is my option.

I have dreams and goals...

... because I want more for myself.

I want to work with kids...

... because there is always hope.

I stand up for what I believe in...

... even when it's not popular.

I fight...

... because I have passion.

I get offended...

... because I know what I want & what I deserve.

I know how I should be treated...

... so it's what I expect.

I know how to treat others...

... so that's what I do.

I look to my grandparents (and parents)

love and devotion...

... and know it must be out there for me.

I love...

... even with the risk of getting hurt.

I trust...

... when I sometimes shouldn't.

I believe...

... because I know that love exists and endures.

It doesn't make coming home to an empty apartment much easier though. Sometimes? It's nice to have a hand to hold while going through the difficult parts in life.

Martina McBride has a new song, called "I'm gonna love you through it," and while it's a song about a woman who is just diagnosed with breast cancer and her husbands statement that he will always be there, these lyrics bring tears to my eyes every time. It is a song like this, that makes me remember my mom's words to me as well, "Someday, there will be a man who will accept and love all of you. He will be strong enough to handle everything you bring to the table." -Here's hoping, Mom!

When you're weak, I'll be strong

When you let go, I'll hold on

When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes

When you get lost, scared to death

Like you cant take one more step

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I'm gonna love you through it

So, if you made it this far?

I think after Christmas? It's time for a pet.

Being Thankful? Has many meanings.

This Thanksgiving? Was rough.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't all that fun.

It was hard. And emotionally challenging. It was trying. And exhausting.

It was difficult. But also? It was strengthening.

Because family? Whether you see them often, or not so much... is still family. And when things get tough? Families pull together.

So this Thanksgiving, when a major decision had to be made as to the future of my grandfather, and his living situation? I was so thankful that our family pulled together, instead of pulling apart.

And for that, I am so very thankful. (And for the cousin hotline. Because without that? I am sure that this week would have been much different. love)

Life's Teaching Moments

The holidays are officially here.

And this year that was full of difficult, life-changing decisions? Is almost over.

I can't say I'm not excited to see 2011 coming to its end. But this year that was so hard? Has taught so much.

That I am stronger than I thought.

That I can make it.

That some days? Are definitely harder than others.

That tears are ok.

But that through tears? There is laughter.

That I love with everything I have.

That slipping and tripping up sometimes? Happens.

That friends who care about you, are always there.

That sometimes all a girl needs? Is some sunshine.

That family is there for the ups and downs and everything else.

And that those who were once the tight, close, support system? Life is sometimes better off without them.

That jobs can come and go. But that this school program is only once, so those lessons? Are invaluable.

I started this blog because I had a lot of time on my hands. I'm going to continue it this upcoming year. Because being able to look back is important, and growing through struggle is vital. I stopped writing frequently because I didn't have a whole lot to say that was funny. Or well, that I thought was funny and worth sharing.

But sharing is important. Writing is important. Maintaining positive relationships is important. Taking chances are important. Learning is important. And in the last months that I have left in Albany before graduation in May? I'm going to do all of those things. Check back for a new blog.

Hope. Change. Believe. Strength. Love. Faith. Breathe.

For. The. Love.