Love forever, family always, strength together.

The unexpected phone calls.

You know, the ones that change life that you knew?

The changes that grip your heart and soul.  The grief, the tears, the longing, the aches.

A little more than one month ago, my cousin, Jaime, passed away unexpectedly.  She was 33.  She had a family, and a little boy, a loving fiance, and a system and collection of friends, and friends that were family, as far as anyone could ever wish to have.

In a world that doesn't seem fair, she was taken too soon.  There are no words that anyone has been able to come up with that seem to comfort those that are left behind.  There is nothing that can make this make sense.  It is shocking.  Jarring.  And unfair.

I had to write a paper this semester about a memorial service for a grief and loss class that I am taking.  I wrote about you, Jaime.  And it was hard.  But I shared it with the class, and now, I am going to share it here.  Or at least, the parts that make sense to share.  Because while it doesn't seem "fair" or "right" that we are all still here, left to go on without you, it is the task we are faced with and given.

"....Due to the unexpected nature of Jaime’s death, it doesn’t feel as though my personal grief has truly begun.  While it was great to have our entire family, including many family members from out of town able to be present for the services, the common theme and the common sentiment was that everyone was still primarily in shock.  It didn’t feel real.  It didn’t seem as though it was truly Jaime laying in the casket that was before me.

       ...As a person who is also actively participating in the grief and loss process currently, it seems as though these services provided a way for me to begin the grieving process.  However, now that it is almost 2 weeks later, the 3 days of calling hours and funeral services, seem to be a blur.  I remember them, but it feels as though it was a dissociative moment, as though I was going through the motions, but that it wasn’t truly happening.  The act of going through the motions truly presented a grasp on the concepts of traumatic grief, as there were no opportunities to say goodbye, no closure on a relationship other than that the person whom you shared a relationship with, is no longer present.
Traumatic grief services provide a chance to come together.  But I feel like it is, at least for myself, such a beginning point in the grieving process that it is more customary than healing.  No one wants to be there, because it is unexpected.  The real work and the real grief comes later.  The breakdown.  The longing.  The deep feelings of loss.  The emptiness.  The sadness.  The day to day living with grief.  The day to day actions of moving forward, with an emptiness inside. The lack of closure.  And I am not sure there is a ceremony or service, no matter the readings, the involvement, that can change that. "


We are all missing you, Jaime.  Every day.  But we will continue on for you, because we have to.  Because we are strong, and that is what you would want.  Love forever, family always, strength together. <3 Love.

The importance of being where you are. The moment.

Being a social work student has taught me plenty.  What interventions to use with specific clients. How to evaluate them. How to research. How to be unconditionally present.  How to meet clients where they are, instead of where I (as a clinician) may want them to be.

But this semester? In a class around the topic of grief and loss? I learned how to sit with my own feelings.  To be ok (or begin to be ok) with them.

Because it is not just being able to be ok sitting with clients and their feelings, it's important to be able to as an individual, be able to sit with our own.

It is so often that I think that because I have been trained in specific skills that I should have all the answers.  That I should be able to handle every situation thrown in my direction with perfection and the "right" ways.  It's a lie.

Learning to be ok with where I am as an individual, social worker or not, has been a great new way to be able to look at my life, and look at the decisions that I am very quickly going to be needing to make.

It's ok to be sad.  It's ok to grieve the end of something that I thought I was ready for.  It's ok to be happy, to continue living.  To continue growing.  To continue to make choices and decisions because without them, you are stagnant. Unchanging. Because without making a decision, you are, in fact, choosing.

And what fun is a world in which you are unable to change?

It is the lesson I am most thankful for.  Learning to be OK with where I am.  To accept it.  And to keep plugging along, whether the days are smooth like a lake in the morning, or challenging and scary... a day in which your footing just isn't always sure.

It's life.  And if I can't accept and be OK with where I am, how can I expect others to be just as OK with where I am?  Being where you are. In the present. In the moment.  Living.

The true warriors.

It has been almost 3 weeks since I have decided to not only be the event organizer, but to be a shavee this year for St. Baldrick's Albany 2012.

This decision did not come lightly. For too long, there has always been an excuse. Always been a ready reason to not participate in such a way that is the basis of this amazing event. A wedding. A vacation. A job. A request. This is the year for me to get rid of them all. To answer only to myself the question of "Why not?"

There have been some people have asked me whether or not I have really "thought it through."

My answer to them has and will always, remain the same. "Hair grows back. It's for the kids. I'm only shaving my head. THEY are the true warriors."

But then?

I get emails. And Facebook posts. And texts. And messages. And blog posts by cousins, or best friends from far away who are helping me to spread the word of this foundation.

And their words are inspiring. They are uplifting. They are encouraging. They are supportive.

They often make me cry as I sit and read them, as I smile and ask myself how it is that I got to be as lucky as I am to have the supportive friends and family around me that I do.

I have parents who love and support me. I have friends and family members who are Facebook blasting my fundraising page in order to continue to spread the word. And for them? There are not enough words to say thank you over the past 3 weeks.

And I have the honor of being able to spread the stories of those children whom I know, or have known, who have fought or are fighting the beast that is pediatric cancers. It is these stories of the families who have allowed me to shave my head in honor of their children that truly are uplifting and amazing.

And it is these families and children that I am so thankful to have known for even just a moment throughout their battle.

When you think about that, their battles?

Hair doesn't seem like much to give at all.

Decisions, decisions

The first full week of 2012 has brought a lot of decisions.

Or changes.

Not changes in me, but changes in the way that I am approaching my life.

You could say that well.... I have hit the point of making choices because I have not much left to lose, and therefore, everything to gain.

It's been a week of firsts, easy and the most difficult.

Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

I decided to shave my head.

Yes. You read that correctly.

The action that I have been talking about for 4 years is finally happening. I'm shaving my head for St. Baldrick's this year. I announced it on Thursday and have been given nothing but support from friends that surprised me. From friends that I knew would be there, and from people who have come out of the woodwork. I am shocked. I am surprised. I am thrilled.

And I am exhilirated.

I cannot wait until the day will come that I will become a shavee for this great organization. I have organized for years. I have participated as an event organizer. I have cheered, raised money, spread the word, and supported others.

And now it's my turn. To face the clippers. To support the kids and families who have changed my life. To become part of the team and community that I love so much.

People have said that they are proud of me. That I should not be ashamed of being bald. That they are impressed. And to that, I ask and say, it's not me that you should be proud or impressed of (but I'm excited you are, because well, that means you should donate to this awesome cause!!). This is not something that I am ashamed of.

It is something that I am excited to do. It is something that I have talked about for so long, but have had an excuse each year. The excuses, my friends? Are over.

So when the details keep coming, I hope you will support this great cause. I have meetings this week, and should have the website up by Wednesday.

I am so excited, and I hope that my journey will excite you all as well.

Something to live for. Something to breathe for. Something to care for. A cause and a group to love. And an event that has invigorated me each year that I have participated. I can only imagine what the Albany St. Baldrick's 2012 event has in store.

And? I am so, so excited!!

^^^^ The curly hair. Pre-shave.^^^^

Or, well, a couple weeks ago!

A tale of 2.

This blog post brought to you by the good people at the wine store. (And girlfriends, of course).

As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking over a conversation that my girlfriend and I had at dinner. A conversation about guys, life, relationships, work, and well... growing up and trying to make it work. A conversation about being ourselves and finding someone who understood that at the end of the day.... And it got me thinking.

I am sarcastic...

... because it's easy, and it's a wall.

I have walls...

... for protection from those around me.

I smile and laugh...

... when crying would be easier.

I'm a little crazy...

... because it's more fun that way.

I am strong...

... because that is my option.

I have dreams and goals...

... because I want more for myself.

I want to work with kids...

... because there is always hope.

I stand up for what I believe in...

... even when it's not popular.

I fight...

... because I have passion.

I get offended...

... because I know what I want & what I deserve.

I know how I should be treated...

... so it's what I expect.

I know how to treat others...

... so that's what I do.

I look to my grandparents (and parents)

love and devotion...

... and know it must be out there for me.

I love...

... even with the risk of getting hurt.

I trust...

... when I sometimes shouldn't.

I believe...

... because I know that love exists and endures.

It doesn't make coming home to an empty apartment much easier though. Sometimes? It's nice to have a hand to hold while going through the difficult parts in life.

Martina McBride has a new song, called "I'm gonna love you through it," and while it's a song about a woman who is just diagnosed with breast cancer and her husbands statement that he will always be there, these lyrics bring tears to my eyes every time. It is a song like this, that makes me remember my mom's words to me as well, "Someday, there will be a man who will accept and love all of you. He will be strong enough to handle everything you bring to the table." -Here's hoping, Mom!

When you're weak, I'll be strong

When you let go, I'll hold on

When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes

When you get lost, scared to death

Like you cant take one more step

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I'm gonna love you through it

So, if you made it this far?

I think after Christmas? It's time for a pet.

Starbucks Gratitude

So, as I am sitting here at Starbucks (it must be the end of the semester) writing papers, sipping quietly out of my holiday red cup, listening to my Pandora stations, I am struck by how the holidays change people.

People aren't angry to be standing in line, waiting for their caffeine jolt. They are smiling. They are talking to the ones around them. There are kids bringing their baristas presents.

And they are happy.

And that, my friends, is what the holidays are all about. Smiling at those around you. Trying to make someone elses' day just a little bit better, because well.... you can. Paying for someone elses' coffee because it's the holiday spirit. Slowing down just a bit during this ever so hectic season to look up and see what's going on around you.

And being thankful for it.

Sap post. Get over it. :)

((This last paper is due tomorrow. Which means there will be plenty of new blogs in the next couple of weeks. But seriously? I can only write so much.))

Do something nice for someone today. Smile. Hold the door.

It's the holidays.

Being Thankful? Has many meanings.

This Thanksgiving? Was rough.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't all that fun.

It was hard. And emotionally challenging. It was trying. And exhausting.

It was difficult. But also? It was strengthening.

Because family? Whether you see them often, or not so much... is still family. And when things get tough? Families pull together.

So this Thanksgiving, when a major decision had to be made as to the future of my grandfather, and his living situation? I was so thankful that our family pulled together, instead of pulling apart.

And for that, I am so very thankful. (And for the cousin hotline. Because without that? I am sure that this week would have been much different. love)

It might be early... But...

I was going to write a Thanksgiving post already.

And then? I realized it's Monday.

And I have a whole week to write joyous, thankful, mushy gushy love holiday posts.

So today? It's back to the funny, sarcastic Whitney that well... I hope you have all grown to know and love ;) (And if you haven't? GET READING. Just kidding! But seriously.)

A couple weekends ago I went back to my hometown. I'm not going to say it. If you know me, you know where I graduated.

Either way. I went out with a friend to a bar that well.... tends to feel like a high school reunion for me. That's neither here nor there.

What is?

Was the guy (who I apparently graduated from high school with) who tried to pick me up with the line, "It sounds like your parents house is pretty cool. You should have a party there over Thanksgiving. We could, you know. Do stuff and drink."

Seriously?

Last time I checked? I'm over 21 so, well... I don't need my parents to buy booze (not that they did anyways, but I digress) and I certainly am not throwing a party. At my parents house. For some guy I don't remember.

So we can "do stuff."

Yea. You're welcome.

Life's Teaching Moments

The holidays are officially here.

And this year that was full of difficult, life-changing decisions? Is almost over.

I can't say I'm not excited to see 2011 coming to its end. But this year that was so hard? Has taught so much.

That I am stronger than I thought.

That I can make it.

That some days? Are definitely harder than others.

That tears are ok.

But that through tears? There is laughter.

That I love with everything I have.

That slipping and tripping up sometimes? Happens.

That friends who care about you, are always there.

That sometimes all a girl needs? Is some sunshine.

That family is there for the ups and downs and everything else.

And that those who were once the tight, close, support system? Life is sometimes better off without them.

That jobs can come and go. But that this school program is only once, so those lessons? Are invaluable.

I started this blog because I had a lot of time on my hands. I'm going to continue it this upcoming year. Because being able to look back is important, and growing through struggle is vital. I stopped writing frequently because I didn't have a whole lot to say that was funny. Or well, that I thought was funny and worth sharing.

But sharing is important. Writing is important. Maintaining positive relationships is important. Taking chances are important. Learning is important. And in the last months that I have left in Albany before graduation in May? I'm going to do all of those things. Check back for a new blog.

Hope. Change. Believe. Strength. Love. Faith. Breathe.

For. The. Love.

Music for each and every day

I have recently discovered Pandora, the free internet radio.

((Yes, I understand it's 2011, and I have graduated from college in the past 4 years, and had a full time job. Yes, I understand I should have found Pandora a long time ago.))

That is neither here, nor apparently there.

Pandora seems to understand all of my musical whims before I even know what they should be. It is.... freakish. As in, it literally plays the songs and the artists that I want/need to hear in that very moment before I sort of lead it in the right direction.

It senses my moods in my fingertips. Weird, yes? Anyone else with the Pandora knowing what it is they should play for you before you know it yourself? Does it creep ANYONE else out?

Side note. I am looking for a large, overstuffed chair for my living room. Got any great suggestions?

Yes, this is rambly. Get over it, or close me out.

Ugh, I am seriously trying to write, with serious writer's block. What a fail!!

Quick update on life: my last post? Pretty dark. Sorry for that. Life has had it's ups and downs recently (duh) and sometimes my moods and desires to do anything, whether it's writing or going out can be victim to those swings. I've been working like crazy, and last week acted like I was in college for one too many nights. My poor liver (Dear liver, again, my apologies).

I have started a garden.... alas, the sun that I thought my porch would get? Doesn't last as long as it needs to. My plants may or may not make it. Guess time will tell..

I'm trying to come up with a great trip for the summer. I'm thinking Boston for a couple of days because well... 1) I love it there and 2) it's close enough but far enough to get out of Albany. Or who knows, maybe Texas to visit JS. I am missing you, friend and am wishing you were closer more than ever these days <3

As another note, I'm back on facebook. I loved the hiatus, but it was time to rejoin. I am going to be a stickler though, and I'm not reloading it back on the blackberry. Because that's just insanity, and well.... I'm facebook clean right now. And it feels gooooood.