Team embarrassing? Check yes, please! Seriously? Who brings a knife into a secure building, where there are courts in session?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Team embarrassing? Check yes, please! Seriously? Who brings a knife into a secure building, where there are courts in session?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
We all remember JS, correct? Well, I guess she is now JZ, but that's besides the point.
The above picture is the birthday present she sent me! Love it. And now, I shall explain.
A few weeks ago, I went on an interview for my internship. It was a "pre-placement interview" just to make sure that we all got along and would be able to work together for an entire academic year. Blah blah blah, it was fine, but I got blisters, and they hurt and I may have cried like a little girl. But whatever.
The director of this agency, called me by my last name "Lill" the entire time. As in, was introducing me to other members of the agency, other supervisors, staff members, etc., as Lil Whitney.
Now, I know we all may be totally confused, but I am actually NOT a rap star. I know, it's shocking, and we are all totally taken aback. But alas, it is true. I am indeed not like Lil'Kim, Lil'Wayne, Lil'Bow Wow (who apparently is just Bow Wow these days, but that's besides the point, can't you see?!)
Mind you, this woman called me Lil'Whitney for a 2.5 hour interview. And then I started getting introduced to Asst. District Attorneys as, "This is Lil'Whitney, she's blah blah blah an intern blah."
At this point, you are correct, I lost my mind, and was like... "Um. yea, actually it's Whitney, and not Lil, and I am not a rap star as cool as that might be."
Because seriously, as awesome as being called Lil Whitney is, and being put in the same category as such rap star and R&B greats as the previously mentioned music all stars is totally flattering, I couldn't go on living such a false existence.
However.... if you would like to buy some of my product to help my new founded rap star career, you can always get yourself a lovely Lil'Whitney hat too ;)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
From praying that I would wake up and it would all be a dream.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
To rush to the hospital. To have to leave work. To have your last rites read to you.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
This is quite obviously, not a San Diego update. That will come this evening, because I’m currently writing a whole bunch of computers to just try and get my head back to where it needs to be.
My last day at my full time job is tomorrow.
Tomorrow. (Kinda makes you want to sing “Annie” doesn’t it?)
However, the woman who is replacing me, has now had 2 weeks in which to semi grasp what the job description is. Ask questions. Ask how she needs to be doing things.
The questions she has asked, though? How do you open a document when you’re already in Word?
How do you turn on and off the computer?
How do I type a list if there is already something written here?
Training her on customer service skills and how to answer a phone in a professional environment, instead of just answering with a “Hello.”
I don’t mean for this blog post to be offensive. I don’t mean for it to be bitchy. I don’t mean for it to be a rant.
But it is a way for me to be able to express myself, and my frustrations. And I am frustrated to the point of exasperation and high blood pressure. I almost don't know how to answer these questions. Because honestly, I have never had to teach someone that when you are in a professional environment, you don't answer a phone "hello."
((You also never bring religious books in either, especially ones about "Finding your better God" because it makes many people uncomfortable. Including the physician you share an office with. Who works with children who sometimes die of their cancer, and it's awful. But that's a story for a different time I think...))
My father has taught me to do things right the first time. “Touch it once, Whitney, and let it be done the proper way. You’ll never have to go back and do it again.”
My office is covered in post it notes that say the same thing. Because the same questions are being asked, over and over and over again. There is zero ability to multi-task. There is literally no ability to retain information that has been given more than once. In fact, there isn’t even any recognition that the information has already been given to her.
I worked hard to make the program run in a way that was successful over the past 2+ years. I worked hard to make it organized, and to be sure I was receiving comments from students that were “this is the most organized a clerkship has been all year.”
And now, for all of that work, to feel like it’s slipping away and was for nothing? I’m sad to leave; I’m certainly not going to miss everyone I work with. But I am going to miss making sure that there are students who were being taken care of in a way that was aiming to make them as successful as they wanted to be.
And now I’m nervous for these new students. I am nervous for this woman. Because students who pay over $60,000 a year to go to school? They want things done right the first time.
And it’s not going to happen.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Today, a taste. A smidge. A little sampling.
Because I have done my Momma proud, and took over 500 pictures on a weeks long vacation. Holy. Cow.
This was the greatest meal we ate in San Diego. At LaFiesta, and this was their cold seafood sampler. It was a special. And deliciously special it indeed was. If you have a chance to eat, there. Do it. And try to be sneaky like me, and give the waitress your credit card to treat your super great JM. Being tricky is the best, especially when the food was this holywowdeliciousnessinmymouthWOW.
Until tomorrow, kind friends. When there will be stories, and pictures, and fabulousness.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
And after a weekend of sun tanned bliss, it's back to work.
Ugh. This however is my last day as a "single" student coordinator. The woman who is taking my job starts "training" with me tomorrow.
See, here's the thing.
I started this blog while I was at work, because well... I didn't have much to do. I had all this down time. And while it's great, it's also kind of un-nerving. Because now I have to train this "older-than-me" woman on how to do my job.
Not that there's anything wrong with it.
I just don't know how I'm going to do it.
"So this is the time that I spend catching up on my favorite blogs."
"This is when I go on facebook."
This is when I spend time talking to my mom on the phone.
Oh, and this other 90 minute span of time spread throughout the day? Yea, that's when I actually have some work to do. Because seriously, this job doesn't require 40 hours.
What the eff am I going to do?! Maybe I'll help her set up her own blog... or maybe I'll just have to get over the fact that I am leaving AMC, and well... I'm going to have to give this lady something to do. But seriously. Holy boredom for the next 3 weeks.
Good thing I'm going to San Diego next week ;) Ahhhhh vacation. Side note. If any of you lovely readers have any SanDiego suggestions, I'm all about it. JM and I are staying in the Gaslamp district at some swanky hotel.
yes, I just used swanky in that sentence. Get over it.
I'm going to have to play pretend grown-up. I'm so pumped! Or grownup that has a lot of money, when I actually don't. Greatest. Game. Ever.
Also, conversation with JM about this vacation:
JM: earlier in the week: "Babe, we should really look at SanDiego stuff, and plan some things out, I'm so excited!"
me (yesterday): "So maybe we should look at planning some of this trip babe, what do you think?"
JM: "Eh, I figure we'll just come up with a list of some stuff we want to do on the plane."
me: "Oh, ok, so we are just 'rolling with it' for the week?" (insert mild panic)
JM "Hmm. Yea, I guess.... zzzzzz. zzzzzzz. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
Guess it's a roll with it kind of vacation. And while I'm ok with it, eh.. would reallllllly love some input from anyone that has some!
Friday, July 2, 2010
They keep sending me emails (it's a daily thing) about how to "find your voice."
Or to "find your blog's purpose."
It kind of drives me crazy. The point of starting this blog was to start to find out who I am, what I like to write and have a "journal" of sorts to document my 20s and beyond.
It's in my blog title.
I have no idea what this blog is going to be about in the end. It kind of jumps all over.
I'm not a person blogging about how to plan a wedding. Or being a mom. Or being in school and getting a job. Or being married through the first year.
I don't really have a total purpose. And sometimes, I feel bad. And then I say... "F this game" I just want to write.
So, for all those of you who have blog purpose, I applaud you. I hope you don't stop being my follower because I haven't found mine yet.
However, I think that when I get a puppy, it could have a common thread running through it of "IlovemydogIhatepottytrainingmydogHe'ssocuteIcan'tstandit."
Stick with me til then? I think it'll be good. Until then, I'm just another girl, who's struggling.
Gah. At least I have friends who send me emails who make me laugh. Because what good is struggling if you're not at least laughing the whole time anyways?! Seriously.
Also, this is my 50th post. HOly cow-sers :) That's pretty sweeeet, but seriously, still searching for purpose? Annoyance.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I have two sisters, who are twins.
And I have a brother.
And the four of us have always had pretty good relationships. And this year, like I have posted before, they all graduated, one way or the other.
E & K graduated from college, and A from high school.
It's a time of lots of change in our family. Lots of moving on, moving out and moving away. Lots of stress, tests, new friends, new environments, new area codes, new addresses, new directions.
Not that, you know, people are moving far away. But it seems that the time we have to spend together is getting shorter and shorter.
But still. It makes me wish that for a longer amount of time, I cherished being in my parents house, and being with my family. Not that I didn't. Just that I did more often. Before I moved, and before I went to college. And while everyone was still in the same place.
So, to my sibs, I am giving you a big huge hug. And I am wishing each of you nothing but the best and the brightest of tomorrows. And I want you all to know, that no matter, what, we will always have the 4 of us.
Even if you don't want to think it's true.
Out with my sissies one night back in Rochester. This is before A came to pick us up, because well... K couldn't drive. A managed to win the never ending game of darts though, so either way, it was a win.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Yes. I just used EPIC in a sentence. Impressed? Again, I say yes.
And, over 4th of July? I might get to see my Twinner from high school. I haven't seen her since our 5 year reunion over Christmas, and well... she lives about 2 hours away, and it's just about time that we made a special fabulous trip to see eachother. And what better way or time, than on a 3 day weekend?
If you're thinking there isn't one, you would be correct!
Also, this weekend? Yea. I'm going to a NASCAR race.
What. the. heck. do. people. do. at. NASCAR. races?!?!?! I'm so confused. I never "got" NASCAR. Oh well, it's a day to hang out and be with friends, I guess? And come back to work on Monday without any hearing capabilities.
This truly is epic. Well, because, we haven't "seen" eachother since she left. And her life has been totally bananas since moving back to TX, what with getting married, and settling into her new apartment and married life.
So this is thrilling. And super exciting. And makes me happy. Yay.
All in all, it's going to be a great weekend I do believe.
Oh, and hey. Only 16 more days til JM and I are in San Diego. On the first!!! vacation ever we will take together, just us since we started dating over 2 years ago. Yea. I'm more excited than well, say the Easter Bunny on Christmas morning.
Whatever, you get it.
Expect pictures. Actually, expect lots of pictures. I know we (and by we, I mean I) have been totally sucking on the uploading of the photos. Maybe that'll be a project for tonight... But hey, no promises k?
PS. A Friday Flip-Off cuz I haven't done one in a while...
To the Med student who has made my life a living miserable painful want-to-poke-my-eyes-out-with-a-rusty-fork type of week? Flip-off. I am done bending over backwards every time you decide you can "fit me in," and make me over 30 minutes late to leave work on Tuesday, which I may not get paid for. Flip. Off. Please and ThANK YOUU
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
This is Jake. He is my Cousin Once Removed aka Snugs aka Veagabomb. (No joke, that's what some of his friends call him. Awesome nickname? I think YES) And he is sitting with a trash/garbage plate.
And it is glorious.
Now, for all those readers who aren't from upstate/western NY and don't know what a trash plate is, here's the breakdown:
1: Styrofoam plate
1/2 home fries (or french fries depending on where you are)
1/2 macaroni salad
2 cheeseburger patties
andddd the Secret HotSauce
As much ketchup as you would like. I tend to use.... a lot. As can be seen by the "1/2 plate" aka less one burger patty that Jake "Veagabomb" and I split while I was at home.
And then... enjoy.
Now, because this is considered the "drunk" food of Rochester, because well, there aren't many people who willingly put this into their bodies while they are sober, you have to understand.
It's also not something you eat every day. Because seriously....
Do a google search. You'll see why. It's the amount of calories for almost 2 full days. And we'll just leave it at that.
Upon ingesting the garbage/trash plate in a state that is reached after alcohol consumption...
There. I said it. It is the cure-all for hangovers/enough calories and grease to put in you after a night out on the town.
And it is the one thing that those people who move away from Rochester, go back to have. Even if it is fabulously unhealthy. What's the treadmill for, people!?
Well.... that and Abbott's ice cream. But that post, my friends, is for another day. One in which I will tell you all things that are delicious about Chocolate. Almond. Soft Serve.
PS. trying to be a pescatarian at my brother's graduation party? Yea, it didn't work. I'm back on the bandwagon, but still, there was too much chicken being served for every meal. And the deal is that while changing your personal diet choices, you don't become a burden to those around you. Or make them feel guilty.
So I ate chicken.
And.... some pulled pork. Because my mom makes the most bomb pulled pork ever. Well, I guess I do, because I sat pulling it for an hour pre-party ;) oh well, whatever, it was delicious!
or don't, but hey, your choice! :)
Over the past couple of days, I have, as I wrote last week, spent a lot of time in Rochester. I have tan lines because I sat at the pool (!!!!!) and it's great. But I also came to the realization.
As I get older I have come to realize how much my family can mean to me. Whether it's hearing the same stories from Grandpa "Crunchy" and trying to correct his political incorrectness (which I have given up on, unless it's really bothersome, because seriously, at 80 I am just not going to be able to influence him at this point) or going to pick up Gramps and visiting all of my now "Over 90 club" favorites at his retirement facility, 2 of which were in his wedding party almost 70 years ago, or meeting my cousin's son for the first time (even though he's 18 months old), or giving up the fight while getting thrown in the pool, it was a great way to spend 5 days. It was a much needed reminder of how much going back and seeing my family can do for me mentally and physically. I am refreshed (post pool toss of course) and I'm ready to go.
Especially because I found out that one of my aunt's actually reads my blog! And thinks I'm good at this whole "writing" thing. It was nice to hear, and it was kind of surprising to find out that she reads this, but hey, I'm all about people reading and following and commenting, so what the heck, I'll take it :)
So thanks, to my family, to my friends, to my blogging friends for making the past 6.5 months something fun, and opening up a creative and fun aspect of my life. This isn't like my other PYHO posts, but I thought I needed it today.
Time to go and apply some more after sun lotion to keep this tan a bit longer.... ahhh, summer.
PS. I started training for my 5K in September. Couch to 5K program. I am seriously out of shape, but if I can't devote 25 minutes 3 times a week to this, I have massive problems.
Cuz seriously, I just spent 25 minutes writing and editing this. While sitting. And thinking about how it's been 6 months in this year and this is the first time I actually took a step towards accomplishing one of my new years resolutions. It's no half marathon, but a 5k is still a good step.
Oh, and ps go check out Tessica, who has this AWESOME feature on her blog called 26 before 26 because seriously, it's great, and well... almost like a bucket list of things to do before a certain point in your life... In her case, before the age of 26. Who doesn't like a fun "Life List"?! It reminds you to get up and LIVE. Which is the most important anyways.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I am going back to Rochester tomorrow for a WHOPPING 5 whole days!! I am so excited to be back there, have more than 27 hours off, and to celebrate a whole lot of things.
On the agenda for celebrations:
My (baby) brother's high school graduation (GAH!!!! I feel SO old, this is not ok.) When I graduated from high school, and realized that he wouldn't graduate until 2010, I said, "Wow, self, that is super far away." And now it's here. And while there were times that he didn't think he would make it through (thank you, high school bullsh*t, you truly are over-rated) he did it, and I am so excited to witness the next part of his journey. With a soccer ball at his feet of course! (And his birthday, but seriously, there is a lot of celebrating going on at a graduation party. Don't worry Andrew, there are presents for both, I promise! :))
My Grandpa "Crunchy"s 80th birthday. Sure to be a great time surrounded by the entire Clark side of the family, this part of the weekend will be fun, celebratory and a time to catch up and relax around eachother.
My Mom's big FIVE-OH birthday. Love you, Mom! Sorry I couldn't be there on Sunday, but I promise, there will be great hugs, smiles, pictures and happiness. I am so lucky to have such a great mother who is such a great example as to what love and strength are.
My sister's birthdays (because I didn't make it home for those either, yikes, I am sucking as a big sis) Because even though turning 22 is totally lame, everyone needs to celebrate the one-year-anniversary-of-turning-21. And what better way to do it than with a lovely raspberry martini by the pool? And a pedicure and manicure too if we can squeeze it in!
Father's Day with my Dad, Gramps, and Grandpa. All. In. The. Same. Place. Totally crazy, but I am so happy to be home for a Father's Day where everyone is together. Yay!
And, with any trip back to Rochester, it will be full of trips to Wegmans, hopefully a trash plate (pictures to come, I promise. Seriously. So. Good. And soooo fabulously unhealthy!) lots of pictures, changing weather every 3 minutes, getting thrown into a pool once, twice, and let's be serious, probably 5 times, bon-fires, laughing, crying and lots of time together with those I love.
And by the time Monday comes around, may be a little tired of.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
You can expect some blog picture updates. I don't promise an update til I get back, but hey, you never know. ;)
And, while you're here, be sure to check out my fun friends that are new to the bloggy world, K and B. Show them some comment love, and be sure to drop me one too!
PS. New favorite flavor of coffee from DD: Toasted Almond. Seriously, do it. This is not something you regret.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
And totally crafty.
And like I said yesterday, DUH, I was going to be crafty last night.
So, I went to Michael's to try to get crafty supplies. And they may not have had the tiles that I wanted, but they had these super cute little wooden mats, of sorts, that I decided would work just fine.
I spent 35 minutes trying to find magnets. Seriously. Shouldn't they be labelled in the aisles?! Seriously. Because, they're not.
Anyways, so this is the finished product. Don't mind the really awful picture quality. It's from my phone, and lets all be serious for a minute, it doesn't take iPhone quality photos. But it'll do, so you have to deal :) Maybe tonight when I get home I'll actually take a better picture. Who knows. Either way, this was a super fun, super easy craft. And who doesn't like personalized magnets???
No one. That's right.
((note that some of these (read: one) are mounted on a piece of scrap-booking paper, and some are just the picture on the wooden block thingy. My technical skills are to be rivaled right now, I know.))
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
It's been a rough year.
Everyone around here can kind of feel the struggle, and those in my physical life can see it. I have mentioned it to my parents, and my sisters. I have talked with some of my friends. I've sort of written it here.
And last night, I told JM everything.
That I don't like the person I have become. That I feel empty.
That I'm scared.
That I'm afraid that I'm stuck and afraid that I'm never going to get out of this place.
It is probably the scariest thing to let someone else in to the world that you are experiencing. It's dark sometimes, and it's frightening and it's emotional.
And as my mom can certainly tell you, I am not one for super big emotions. I was a "bottler" when I was a kid. Which is fine, but it probably isn't healthy as an adult.
Because you end up like I was last night. And seriously, no one likes that. But seriously, sometimes that's all you have left.
But JM talked, and listened. And he held me while I cried. He told me he could see that I was hurting, but he didn't know what to say at first. And he supported me. He offered help and assistance. He told me we were "in it together, and we'll figure it out....An easy ride is not what I signed up for."
I never realized how much a job could drain you. How much it could steal from you. How much it could change you: positive or negative.
But I do now, and I refuse to ever feel like this again.
So blog friends, today is a new day. Today is the day that I am reclaiming a lot of me that was lost. I don't promise that I'm going to be all sunshine and happiness, but I think the writer's block might be over. I might actually post more than once a week.
I'm going to make this work. I'm making a paper chain countdown til my last day at AMC. And every link is going to be something great.
Heck, these posts might get named with the countdown til the end of my job. Either way, it's time to focus on the positive.
So, today, that's what I'm going to try to do. Even though it's rainy and gross (seriously with this weather today though?!).
And, I'm going to make some arts and crafts tonight. Because I can, and because it's therapeutic, and because well... I have the time to take for myself.
Because even though I can't move up my end date (GAHHHHH!! shaking fist at stupid emails I got this morning) I can create a wall that blocks me from continuing to feel like I'm sad.
Like I can't be myself.
Like smiling is actually hard sometimes.
Because that's not me, and I am getting back to that other person.
The person I want to be, and the person I deserve to be. And, to be giving to others.
One day at a time, friends.
One day at a time.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
3 oz. citrus vodka
1 oz. limoncello
1 tbsp. fresh lemon juice
Sugar and lemon wheel for garnish
Rim a chilled cocktail glass with sugar and set aside. Combine vodka, limoncello and lemon juice in a cocktail shaker with ice, and shake briskly to chill. Strain into the prepared glass, and garnish with a lemon wheel.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Shell, over at Things I can't Say, has a great feature on Wednesday's called "Pour Your Heart Out." This is my 3rd post, and again, I am so happy to be part of it.
For the past couple of days, I have been truly missing my Gram. So, this is for her and my Gramps, and the love that they share together.
My Dad's parents, my Gram and Gramps were married for over 65 years. They were together for almost 71. They met back in the 1930s, and while my grandmother was dating someone else, my grandfather fell in love with her.
It is really a cute story, one which I need to tape record and then save forever.
They were apart for almost 5 years while he was in the Service back in WWII. 5 years. And people these days can't handle 5 days. Anyways, that's not really the point.
My Gramps has loved my Gram since the day he met her. He held her hand every chance he got, told her he loved her at every moment. They never doubted eachother. They loved with a passion and a fury that is to be rivaled in the fairy tales. I will forever remember my Grandma holding his hand, while laying in her hospital bed close to her death, saying "Watch this one Whitney, I still got it!" And pulling his HUGE sleeper chair closer to her, remarking "Much better, you were so far away, hon."
I have found letters that they wrote to eachother while Gramps was gone. I am much like my Gram when she was in her 20s, I have come to realize. The sarcastic remarks, the funny quips, and the absolutely hysterical moments of clarity when seeing someone else's character. They are all in her letters to my Gramps, which he has saved for almost 60 years.
Gram, when she was (I think) 25Gram will have been gone for 3 years this July. It seems almost impossible to think and comprehend that it has been so long. 3 years feels like a lifetime ago.
Relationships in the 20s, and 30s seem to be of historical nature. Marriages lasting well into 60 years. The trust and companionship and pure support that existed. Yes, this is me in rose colored glasses, looking at my grandparents because I am sure that not every single relationship was the same as theirs. They have truly defined "soul mate" in my eyes. There is not one memory that I have of my grandparents where they are without eachother, without their fingers entertwined, without them by eachothers side.
It is a love to be rivaled and strived for. It is a type of love that I hope that I have not only to give, but to also receive.
I miss being able to see that with them. And I am so, so thankful that I have some of these letters to show me that although times get tough, you can push through and make it. You can overcome the obstacles. You can be personally successful and still have someone in your life that loves and supports and is there for you through good and bad. I am so thankful that I have something to compare my life and my love to. Because no one should have anything less than the passion and true love that can endure for over 70 years. Their story is/was hard. But they endured. They are the real life fairy-tale that I have forever been searching for.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thank you, to all of you who have been able to tell me your own story. In this day and age of people living in a virtual, fast paced, instant gratification world, we sometimes forget to reach out to others and tell them, "I get it. I've been there/I'm there now."
The worst feeling is not knowing what happens next. Not feeling strong enough to take that next step, and not knowing if you're making the right choice.
So, thank you. I know that the days aren't always easy, and everyone has a lot on their plates. But the support, whether it has been virtual or real life, is appreciated.
We can't be successful in this life alone, and every once in a while, I think we all get tired of faking like we have it all together all the time.
Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone. Be sure to give a hug, send something supportive, or be an open ear or phone call for someone this weekend. There's a lot of people who are without their "other person," as a result of being in the military. Be sure to honor them just as much as we honor those men and women who are overseas fighting. There's struggles at home too, and it's important to recognize them.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
For quite some time, after the frustrating comments and complete BS that happened after some comments in my master's program, I brushed them off.
I mean, I brushed them off, after I wrote some comments on an evaluation form for the professor and vented to my classmates.
Back on track. I have come to realize that I am completely scared, and feel totally lost right now. I don't know that social work is what I want to do. I don't know that I would be good at it, in all honesty. And, I am scared that if I keep going in this program, I am going to hate it, the profession and the loans I take out to finish it.
I keep thinking about law school again. But that's scary too. Because I would quit all of my jobs. And have to study, and study hard. And I don't want to be a lawyer in the world where it consumes my life.
I am 23.5. I feel like I'm closer to 30. My friends are getting married. Some are having kids. Almost all seem to be engaged. Every day I sign on to facebook and there are 2000 more people engaged (ok, that's an exaggeration obviously, because well, I deleted over 200 people on facebook because I hate random people knowing my business... ha. and now I write a blog. But seriously, I don't even know 2000 people on facebook. That would be insane)
I'm scared I am not going to find my "niche."
I'm scared that I won't ever love what I do.
I'm scared that I have a lot of interests, but I have no idea how to actually make a career out of any of them.
I have no idea. I hate not knowing. I feel lost. And I feel stuck, all at the same time. I feel so much older, and I have to keep reminding myself that there is time.
There is time to do everything I want to do.
And yet, life is so, so short. How do you justify both of those thoughts and feelings and worries? How do you figure out a way to balance it all?
I want to be excited to go to work every day.
I want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend.
I want to be able to help other people.
I want to be me all the time.
But sometimes, I want to be able to escape.
If I lose myself in my work, I want it to be for the right reasons.
I want to be able to have a family (someday) and be able to be there for my (future, far off) kids.
I need a balance. And I need to stop being scared.
Friday, May 21, 2010
I have felt all sorts of out of whack this week, and just have been struggling to get through the days at work. And then literally, like I am 5 years old, have been going home, and totally crashing on my couch/in my bed/on the floor/wherever my body falls first. Pretty much until the next morning.
I think I'm over it, but man oh man, I haven't felt this "out of sorts" for a while.
Luckily for you, I think I'm back.
Many more promises for next week and maybe even this weekend?
K, thanks for the forgiveness. Totally appreciated.
The great news, is that here is a teaser for all of the posts/updates I have for this weekend/maybe tonight if you're lucky. :)
Yes, that is me.
In a sweatshirt, and jacket.
.... IN MAY. AT A GRADUATION.
Welcome back to upstate NY my friends, welcome back. The day after? Yea, Mother Nature and her bi-polar disorder at it's finest.... back to 80 degrees, sunny and sunburns.
Are we joking?? Just wait for it friends. Lots of photos to come. :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
This blog has a neat feature on Friday's called Friday Flip-Offs which is just totally fantastic, and "cathartic before going into your weekend." You can find links to her blog by clicking on the little button on my side bar, labeled oh so appropriately, "Friday Flip-Offs."
And this week, my friends, it is definitely needed.
So, without further ado, my Friday Flip-Offs:
To the med students who are making me miserable: Please Flip off! I know you are going to be doctors. But seriously?! There is such a lack of common sense that it is sometimes painful to be in your presence. Many of you lack such interpersonal communication skills that it is beyond frightening that at some point in the next 5 years you could be operating on real live people. Gah! I seriously can't believe that some of you are graduating in a year. In no way will you ever be allowed near my worst enemy. Others, fine. But seriously, those of you who hate children and back out of responsibilities because you aren't going into peds?? FLIP OFF. I'm done with you.
To the rain/gray goddess of Albany: Flip the freak off! I would really appreciate some sunshine. As in... immediately.
To the MSW program professors who have literally made life miserable: FLIP OFF. I AM going to be a great social worker in whatever field it is that I choose. Just because you're a miserable old human doesn't mean that everyone else needs to be the same. Please take a class in diversity and then get back to me.
To the Thruway: Flip off! If you are not a fast drive today I don't know what I'm going to do. Please get all of the stupid stupid stupid drivers out of my way. I'm sick of driving behind someone going 59 in the fast lane. Seriously.
To my life: Flip off please. You are stronger than this, and you can do anything you set your mind to. And, you need to stop being so tired. Get up, get moving, and get in gear.
To my summer schedule: Flip off. I would like to be able to pay bills.
To JM's summer schedule: Flip off, please!!! I would like to have JM for a couple of minutes. I know, bills, blah blah blah. But seriously, FLIP off. I would like to be the stealer of time and not you.
Ahhh, I feel so much better.
What are your Friday Flip-Offs? I know you have them people! Get it out, and get on with your Friday. Make your weekend, YOURS.
Oh, and PS. Congrats to my sisters, who as of Saturday will both have graduated from College! Wahooo to becoming an adult! Pictures to come with my new schnazzy Nikon D50 that I got yesterday!! Sa-weeeeeet!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
No, you don't have to eat anything gross.
Or stand on your head for the longest period of time.
You really just have to sign up and be my follower.
And THEN...... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!
you will receive, an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas.
hahahhaa, Just kidding!! I am a broke graduate student who doesn't have those types of funds.
But seriously, I will do a "get to know the 20th follower" post. And it'll be cool. And I'll ask you super great questions and you, as the 20th follower will give super witty answers.
Don't ya wanna win?? ;)
So, here goes.
First heart breaks are awful. They are horrendous. They tear you apart and they make you feel helpless.
After yesterday, I am pretty sure that the only thing that is worse than your own personal first heartbreak, is watching or listening to someone elses, who you love and would do anything for.
It is awful to be on the phone 200+ miles away and not be able to do anything.
To feel helpless.
To not be able to give a hug, and say that this will pass. Eventually you will get past this. You will love better than this again. And eventually you will not feel like your heart is being pounded on by a 400 lb gorilla wearing stiletto heels.
Someone once told me that in this world there are a lot of different types of love. Not many people end up with their first. But, there is always a first, and while you always will love that person, you eventually move on. And you fall in love again. And this second love, teaches and shows you how far it is that you have come in personal growth, since the first.
So, favorite/only little bro-ski, this is for you. I love you, and I wish I could hug you right now. Please know that we are all here for you, even though it feels like you are alone. xo. xo. xo.
Your big sis.
Monday, May 10, 2010
And don't worry JM, I still love you, even though my tears on Friday weren't for you. Trust me, there's plenty in here that's all about you anyways.
I hate Mondays.
I think I hate them even more now that it's a random Monday that I'm not working and JS isn't home to entertain me.
So, for this Monday which is totally sucking, (thank you AMC med students, you all seem to be completely ridiculous and have ZERO grasp on reality. Or last week, but who cares (!!!!))
I will go to the gym.
Remember? The place I said I was going to frequent more often? Yea. Today's the day. Ugh.And I am going to run until I:
#1: am no longer pissed off at the entire world of stupid med students with their lack of grasp in reality.
#2: am able to face going home to an really empty, but disaster zone apartment
#3: it's time for my turn to tan. Because lightbulbs full of Vitamin D are actually EXACTLY what the Dr is ordering today.
Sorry oncology clinic. I apologize ahead of time.
And yet, I so don't. Because if I don't have someone to drink margaritas with, I am going to the gym. To run. And come home 15 lbs skinnier.
And then I am going to make something warm for dinner with the Jessica Bear and call it a day. Because honestly, I need an evening of gym-ing. And me-ing. And hanging out with this super cute bear while I cook. Because hopefully, it will remind me of all the sercret tricks JS uses when she creates delicious-ness on our super old, super "doesntreallywork" stove.
Ready and waiting for you any time, Tuesday...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So, today, I am taking part. And I am just saying... I have been to the ob/gyn a LOT in my 23 years.
And it's something that everyone should be doing. Once a year, if not more (and trust me, right now, thank you pap smears, it's definitely more). I actually prefer to be going to the ob/gyn vs. my primary care dr. Strange? Some people say yes. And I, say absolutely not.
Because my lady dr is a rockstar. And he is a HE. Which I never thought I would do, ever. But I am. You know, having a male as a lady doctor. He is more concerned with making sure that the rest of me is working before dealing with his area. Because if the rest of me isn't working, then his area is definitely not going to be working. He sends me for blood tests, and tells me to get my butt to the gym, and explains lab values. Like I said. Rock. Star.
So, a couple of years ago, my first lady dr found a mass in my breast. She watched it, sent me to a breast clinic (which at the age of 17 is the SCARIEST place ever. There's all these women there, and you're thinking, holy cow, my boobs are going to not be quite like they are right now for the rest of my life, what the heck?! And holy cow, there's people here with cancer and I'm only 17 and I can't have cancer, and OMG).
Anyways. So she sends me to a breast clinic. And after 2 years, the mass/cyst had grown enough slash had grown a LOT over a 6 month period that the breast doctor people decided to take it out.
Which means, surgery. And taped up boobs for a week. And no heavy lifting (yes, I did use that to my advantage for a while as I was serving at a restaurant. Thanks to all who carried my trays).
What this means is that after every single doctor, med student, ultrasound tech, breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and anyone else who wanted to, saw my breasts, felt them, and whatever else, I am comfortable.
I am not comfortable with pre-op nurses who decide that at the age of 18, before they wheel you into surgery, should tell you that, "Don't worry, they have made great progress in the world of breast cancer..." After every single doctor has told you "not to worry, it's not cancer."
So, ladies, speak up. Don't let someone who doesn't really know anything about your history tell you something that is 1) not applicable to you, and 2) totally freak you out.
But, make sure you are checking yourself. And going to the lady Dr.. And making sure that you maintain a great relationship with that office, the nurse practitioner, and the physician assistants. And seriously, speak up for yourself. Which can be hard to do when someone is playing around inside of you with metal tools, but honestly, it's the most important part. Because wouldn't you rather know what was going on with the inside of you, especially when it came to the lady parts? I know I would. So, I do.
Monday, May 3, 2010
That, is the type of friend that JS is.
She is fantastically kind, honest, faithful, fiercely loyal, beautiful, adventurous, caring, loving, creative, supportive, entertaining, sincere, true, funny, and one of the most genuine people I have ever met in my life.
And on Friday, she gets to go back to the life she has been missing for so long. Back to the fiance who loves her with everything he has, and to her family who has supported and missed her for two years of school.
And I am so beyond excited for her. But there is such a pending hole that will be present in my life that I can't help but be jealous of all of those people who will get to experience her presence in their lives on a daily basis, just as I have been so blessed to have for the past 5 months.
When JM and I made the decision to rent out our guest room, I never dreamed that in 5 months, the fabulous woman who took us up on our crazy offer, would become such an important part of my life. Part of our life.
She is the best friend that every person wants in their life. She is the person who is so willing to drop everything in an instant if you are having a bad day. She is the person who can jump into any situation, with anyone and blend seamlessly, without losing herself. She is the friend who gives the greatest hugs. She is the friend who creates fun out of anything. She is the friend who buys Visine because you might just need it, and who understands my sentences when I can't figure out the ending. She is the friend who you can sit with and eat chips and salsa and call it a meal. She is the friend who doesn't judge you when you tell her you think you're losing it. She is the friend to me, who I hope I can at some point, be to her.
She is amazing, and I am so thankful that I can call her my forever friend.
And, here are some pictures from the past 5 months. There will be many more to come, because this friendship just isn't ending, I promise.
At Carrie Underwood, listening to the band whose lead singer "looks like a combination of Steven Tyler and Edward Cullen" and clearly not enjoying it. (Thank you to JM for the tickets and the girls night together!)
Random night at Bombers, because Mexican is always a good choice. Especially that delicious salsa.... :)
That same night at Bombers
At JM's birthday party which she helped me pull off
And again :)
After An Evening of Will Power gala down at the Victory Cafe
At the Country Line Dancing bar in Connecticut. Because, well... you should drive 2 hours to go there sometimes. :)
So, JS, thank you. Thank you for being the friend that I have needed these past 5 months. My life is forever better for adding you to my "charm bracelet." I am going to miss you, but don't worry. I get great miles with American Express and you can definitely bet I will be using them.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Their Mission Statement, which is truly impressive and inspiring. This is a foundation who has come from the depths of despair to try to help other families who are facing uncertain times just as they have.
The picture that is also the cover of their book, which is a compilation of all of the journal entries that Matt wrote while Will was going through treatment. (Suggestion: Please be sure to have a box of tissues readily available).
This is a "picture of a picture" that was taken of Matt and Tammy's two other sons, after Will's passing. They too, are absolutely phenomenal boys, who make you smile, and truly present themselves the way that every parent hopes and wishes that their child will turn out. (It also doesn't hurt that they are fabulously photogenic, and completely and fantastically cute).
The wall of pictures that were hung up during the gala, from times of hospital stays, last days, and the time after Will's passing.
So, to those people who are looking for a way to help, buy a copy of Matt's book here and also learn more about their foundation.
To Matt and Tammy, and the rest of the people who are making this foundation into something that is truly going to affect people's lives, you are amazing. You are parents who love to such an extent that it brings tears to peoples' eyes and truly changes their lives. You are parents who have such strength that even through the turns in the road that would break most people, you have risen. You have given each and every person who meets you, or hears of Will's story something to keep in mind during the toughest of days. You have changed people's lives for the better, making us better people, better friends, better families, and better couples.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
And then there's this one. I could do the year numbers around the heart. I kind of like that idea. I like that the tree is growing out of the heart, and that is quite symbolic.
Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns? Total rage or you think I shouldn't get it?
So, onto topic numero dos, for post numero uno today. My Spanish is rocking, by the way. And by rocking, I mean... this is the only stuff I know.
As some of you may have noticed, there is a new little picture on the right hand side of the screen. This is called a "button" in the blog world. I love it. I love what it stands for. I love that there are other women out there who can get as fiery as I do about topics that others choose to ignore.
I have recently gotten lost in the blog world quite often. I first heard of "Women's Writes" on this blog. Then I linked to the original post here. I think that the idea that women writing about issues to bring a lot of people's ideas to the forefront is amazing. It can be life changing. And it can be overwhelming. There are people who are going to write this month about the new law in Oklahoma that protects doctors from giving expectant mothers health information about their unborn children. The article presents that "A second measure passed into law on Tuesday prevents women who have had a disabled baby from suing a doctor for withholding information about birth defects while the child was in the womb."
ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?! Let me tell you, that my unborn children (who again, are far off and not happening any time soon, Mom) (hahaha, love you!) not only will I be the most informed soon-to-be-parent, but I know enough people in the medical world now (thank YOU Albany Med) and enough doctors, students techs, nurses, patients, whatever, that this would never be allowed. A woman has a right to know what is going on with her unborn child. If they didn't have that right, why bother with the ultrasound? This isn't keeping the sex a surprise until birth. This is why I want to be a Dr., a lawyer, a social worker, and a legislator. At the same time.
Yikes. Cross Oklahoma off the list of places I (never) want(ed) to live (anyways).
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
This woman has totally hit life on the head.
Except, let's clear some things up for those who may be confused.
1) I am not pregnant. (Nor, Mom, am I trying to get pregnant, because well... just because "Fertility" is in the name of the practice of my lady parts doctor, doesn't mean I'm making use of their services.)
2) I don't know what this could be, except for teh fact I find it fabulously interesting and intriguing. See, JM, I am not the only one.
and 3) I am so sucked into this whole blog world, that it may just have to become a new way of life for me. Just saying. Look for that post still to come. But seriously, how cool??
Ahhhh, those girls.
I wonder if it ever comes around for them...