Friday, May 28, 2010
Thank you, to all of you who have been able to tell me your own story. In this day and age of people living in a virtual, fast paced, instant gratification world, we sometimes forget to reach out to others and tell them, "I get it. I've been there/I'm there now."
The worst feeling is not knowing what happens next. Not feeling strong enough to take that next step, and not knowing if you're making the right choice.
So, thank you. I know that the days aren't always easy, and everyone has a lot on their plates. But the support, whether it has been virtual or real life, is appreciated.
We can't be successful in this life alone, and every once in a while, I think we all get tired of faking like we have it all together all the time.
Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone. Be sure to give a hug, send something supportive, or be an open ear or phone call for someone this weekend. There's a lot of people who are without their "other person," as a result of being in the military. Be sure to honor them just as much as we honor those men and women who are overseas fighting. There's struggles at home too, and it's important to recognize them.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
For quite some time, after the frustrating comments and complete BS that happened after some comments in my master's program, I brushed them off.
I mean, I brushed them off, after I wrote some comments on an evaluation form for the professor and vented to my classmates.
Back on track. I have come to realize that I am completely scared, and feel totally lost right now. I don't know that social work is what I want to do. I don't know that I would be good at it, in all honesty. And, I am scared that if I keep going in this program, I am going to hate it, the profession and the loans I take out to finish it.
I keep thinking about law school again. But that's scary too. Because I would quit all of my jobs. And have to study, and study hard. And I don't want to be a lawyer in the world where it consumes my life.
I am 23.5. I feel like I'm closer to 30. My friends are getting married. Some are having kids. Almost all seem to be engaged. Every day I sign on to facebook and there are 2000 more people engaged (ok, that's an exaggeration obviously, because well, I deleted over 200 people on facebook because I hate random people knowing my business... ha. and now I write a blog. But seriously, I don't even know 2000 people on facebook. That would be insane)
I'm scared I am not going to find my "niche."
I'm scared that I won't ever love what I do.
I'm scared that I have a lot of interests, but I have no idea how to actually make a career out of any of them.
I have no idea. I hate not knowing. I feel lost. And I feel stuck, all at the same time. I feel so much older, and I have to keep reminding myself that there is time.
There is time to do everything I want to do.
And yet, life is so, so short. How do you justify both of those thoughts and feelings and worries? How do you figure out a way to balance it all?
I want to be excited to go to work every day.
I want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend.
I want to be able to help other people.
I want to be me all the time.
But sometimes, I want to be able to escape.
If I lose myself in my work, I want it to be for the right reasons.
I want to be able to have a family (someday) and be able to be there for my (future, far off) kids.
I need a balance. And I need to stop being scared.
Friday, May 21, 2010
I have felt all sorts of out of whack this week, and just have been struggling to get through the days at work. And then literally, like I am 5 years old, have been going home, and totally crashing on my couch/in my bed/on the floor/wherever my body falls first. Pretty much until the next morning.
I think I'm over it, but man oh man, I haven't felt this "out of sorts" for a while.
Luckily for you, I think I'm back.
Many more promises for next week and maybe even this weekend?
K, thanks for the forgiveness. Totally appreciated.
The great news, is that here is a teaser for all of the posts/updates I have for this weekend/maybe tonight if you're lucky. :)
Yes, that is me.
In a sweatshirt, and jacket.
.... IN MAY. AT A GRADUATION.
Welcome back to upstate NY my friends, welcome back. The day after? Yea, Mother Nature and her bi-polar disorder at it's finest.... back to 80 degrees, sunny and sunburns.
Are we joking?? Just wait for it friends. Lots of photos to come. :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
This blog has a neat feature on Friday's called Friday Flip-Offs which is just totally fantastic, and "cathartic before going into your weekend." You can find links to her blog by clicking on the little button on my side bar, labeled oh so appropriately, "Friday Flip-Offs."
And this week, my friends, it is definitely needed.
So, without further ado, my Friday Flip-Offs:
To the med students who are making me miserable: Please Flip off! I know you are going to be doctors. But seriously?! There is such a lack of common sense that it is sometimes painful to be in your presence. Many of you lack such interpersonal communication skills that it is beyond frightening that at some point in the next 5 years you could be operating on real live people. Gah! I seriously can't believe that some of you are graduating in a year. In no way will you ever be allowed near my worst enemy. Others, fine. But seriously, those of you who hate children and back out of responsibilities because you aren't going into peds?? FLIP OFF. I'm done with you.
To the rain/gray goddess of Albany: Flip the freak off! I would really appreciate some sunshine. As in... immediately.
To the MSW program professors who have literally made life miserable: FLIP OFF. I AM going to be a great social worker in whatever field it is that I choose. Just because you're a miserable old human doesn't mean that everyone else needs to be the same. Please take a class in diversity and then get back to me.
To the Thruway: Flip off! If you are not a fast drive today I don't know what I'm going to do. Please get all of the stupid stupid stupid drivers out of my way. I'm sick of driving behind someone going 59 in the fast lane. Seriously.
To my life: Flip off please. You are stronger than this, and you can do anything you set your mind to. And, you need to stop being so tired. Get up, get moving, and get in gear.
To my summer schedule: Flip off. I would like to be able to pay bills.
To JM's summer schedule: Flip off, please!!! I would like to have JM for a couple of minutes. I know, bills, blah blah blah. But seriously, FLIP off. I would like to be the stealer of time and not you.
Ahhh, I feel so much better.
What are your Friday Flip-Offs? I know you have them people! Get it out, and get on with your Friday. Make your weekend, YOURS.
Oh, and PS. Congrats to my sisters, who as of Saturday will both have graduated from College! Wahooo to becoming an adult! Pictures to come with my new schnazzy Nikon D50 that I got yesterday!! Sa-weeeeeet!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
No, you don't have to eat anything gross.
Or stand on your head for the longest period of time.
You really just have to sign up and be my follower.
And THEN...... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!!
you will receive, an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas.
hahahhaa, Just kidding!! I am a broke graduate student who doesn't have those types of funds.
But seriously, I will do a "get to know the 20th follower" post. And it'll be cool. And I'll ask you super great questions and you, as the 20th follower will give super witty answers.
Don't ya wanna win?? ;)
So, here goes.
First heart breaks are awful. They are horrendous. They tear you apart and they make you feel helpless.
After yesterday, I am pretty sure that the only thing that is worse than your own personal first heartbreak, is watching or listening to someone elses, who you love and would do anything for.
It is awful to be on the phone 200+ miles away and not be able to do anything.
To feel helpless.
To not be able to give a hug, and say that this will pass. Eventually you will get past this. You will love better than this again. And eventually you will not feel like your heart is being pounded on by a 400 lb gorilla wearing stiletto heels.
Someone once told me that in this world there are a lot of different types of love. Not many people end up with their first. But, there is always a first, and while you always will love that person, you eventually move on. And you fall in love again. And this second love, teaches and shows you how far it is that you have come in personal growth, since the first.
So, favorite/only little bro-ski, this is for you. I love you, and I wish I could hug you right now. Please know that we are all here for you, even though it feels like you are alone. xo. xo. xo.
Your big sis.
Monday, May 10, 2010
And don't worry JM, I still love you, even though my tears on Friday weren't for you. Trust me, there's plenty in here that's all about you anyways.
I hate Mondays.
I think I hate them even more now that it's a random Monday that I'm not working and JS isn't home to entertain me.
So, for this Monday which is totally sucking, (thank you AMC med students, you all seem to be completely ridiculous and have ZERO grasp on reality. Or last week, but who cares (!!!!))
I will go to the gym.
Remember? The place I said I was going to frequent more often? Yea. Today's the day. Ugh.And I am going to run until I:
#1: am no longer pissed off at the entire world of stupid med students with their lack of grasp in reality.
#2: am able to face going home to an really empty, but disaster zone apartment
#3: it's time for my turn to tan. Because lightbulbs full of Vitamin D are actually EXACTLY what the Dr is ordering today.
Sorry oncology clinic. I apologize ahead of time.
And yet, I so don't. Because if I don't have someone to drink margaritas with, I am going to the gym. To run. And come home 15 lbs skinnier.
And then I am going to make something warm for dinner with the Jessica Bear and call it a day. Because honestly, I need an evening of gym-ing. And me-ing. And hanging out with this super cute bear while I cook. Because hopefully, it will remind me of all the sercret tricks JS uses when she creates delicious-ness on our super old, super "doesntreallywork" stove.
Ready and waiting for you any time, Tuesday...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
So, today, I am taking part. And I am just saying... I have been to the ob/gyn a LOT in my 23 years.
And it's something that everyone should be doing. Once a year, if not more (and trust me, right now, thank you pap smears, it's definitely more). I actually prefer to be going to the ob/gyn vs. my primary care dr. Strange? Some people say yes. And I, say absolutely not.
Because my lady dr is a rockstar. And he is a HE. Which I never thought I would do, ever. But I am. You know, having a male as a lady doctor. He is more concerned with making sure that the rest of me is working before dealing with his area. Because if the rest of me isn't working, then his area is definitely not going to be working. He sends me for blood tests, and tells me to get my butt to the gym, and explains lab values. Like I said. Rock. Star.
So, a couple of years ago, my first lady dr found a mass in my breast. She watched it, sent me to a breast clinic (which at the age of 17 is the SCARIEST place ever. There's all these women there, and you're thinking, holy cow, my boobs are going to not be quite like they are right now for the rest of my life, what the heck?! And holy cow, there's people here with cancer and I'm only 17 and I can't have cancer, and OMG).
Anyways. So she sends me to a breast clinic. And after 2 years, the mass/cyst had grown enough slash had grown a LOT over a 6 month period that the breast doctor people decided to take it out.
Which means, surgery. And taped up boobs for a week. And no heavy lifting (yes, I did use that to my advantage for a while as I was serving at a restaurant. Thanks to all who carried my trays).
What this means is that after every single doctor, med student, ultrasound tech, breast surgeon, plastic surgeon and anyone else who wanted to, saw my breasts, felt them, and whatever else, I am comfortable.
I am not comfortable with pre-op nurses who decide that at the age of 18, before they wheel you into surgery, should tell you that, "Don't worry, they have made great progress in the world of breast cancer..." After every single doctor has told you "not to worry, it's not cancer."
So, ladies, speak up. Don't let someone who doesn't really know anything about your history tell you something that is 1) not applicable to you, and 2) totally freak you out.
But, make sure you are checking yourself. And going to the lady Dr.. And making sure that you maintain a great relationship with that office, the nurse practitioner, and the physician assistants. And seriously, speak up for yourself. Which can be hard to do when someone is playing around inside of you with metal tools, but honestly, it's the most important part. Because wouldn't you rather know what was going on with the inside of you, especially when it came to the lady parts? I know I would. So, I do.
Monday, May 3, 2010
That, is the type of friend that JS is.
She is fantastically kind, honest, faithful, fiercely loyal, beautiful, adventurous, caring, loving, creative, supportive, entertaining, sincere, true, funny, and one of the most genuine people I have ever met in my life.
And on Friday, she gets to go back to the life she has been missing for so long. Back to the fiance who loves her with everything he has, and to her family who has supported and missed her for two years of school.
And I am so beyond excited for her. But there is such a pending hole that will be present in my life that I can't help but be jealous of all of those people who will get to experience her presence in their lives on a daily basis, just as I have been so blessed to have for the past 5 months.
When JM and I made the decision to rent out our guest room, I never dreamed that in 5 months, the fabulous woman who took us up on our crazy offer, would become such an important part of my life. Part of our life.
She is the best friend that every person wants in their life. She is the person who is so willing to drop everything in an instant if you are having a bad day. She is the person who can jump into any situation, with anyone and blend seamlessly, without losing herself. She is the friend who gives the greatest hugs. She is the friend who creates fun out of anything. She is the friend who buys Visine because you might just need it, and who understands my sentences when I can't figure out the ending. She is the friend who you can sit with and eat chips and salsa and call it a meal. She is the friend who doesn't judge you when you tell her you think you're losing it. She is the friend to me, who I hope I can at some point, be to her.
She is amazing, and I am so thankful that I can call her my forever friend.
And, here are some pictures from the past 5 months. There will be many more to come, because this friendship just isn't ending, I promise.
At Carrie Underwood, listening to the band whose lead singer "looks like a combination of Steven Tyler and Edward Cullen" and clearly not enjoying it. (Thank you to JM for the tickets and the girls night together!)
Random night at Bombers, because Mexican is always a good choice. Especially that delicious salsa.... :)
That same night at Bombers
At JM's birthday party which she helped me pull off
And again :)
After An Evening of Will Power gala down at the Victory Cafe
At the Country Line Dancing bar in Connecticut. Because, well... you should drive 2 hours to go there sometimes. :)
So, JS, thank you. Thank you for being the friend that I have needed these past 5 months. My life is forever better for adding you to my "charm bracelet." I am going to miss you, but don't worry. I get great miles with American Express and you can definitely bet I will be using them.