Monday, December 19, 2011

A tale of 2.

This blog post brought to you by the good people at the wine store. (And girlfriends, of course).

As I was driving home tonight, I was thinking over a conversation that my girlfriend and I had at dinner. A conversation about guys, life, relationships, work, and well... growing up and trying to make it work. A conversation about being ourselves and finding someone who understood that at the end of the day.... And it got me thinking.

I am sarcastic...
... because it's easy, and it's a wall.

I have walls...
... for protection from those around me.

I smile and laugh...
... when crying would be easier.

I'm a little crazy...
... because it's more fun that way.

I am strong...
... because that is my option.

I have dreams and goals...
... because I want more for myself.

I want to work with kids...
... because there is always hope.

I stand up for what I believe in...
... even when it's not popular.

I fight...
... because I have passion.

I get offended...
... because I know what I want & what I deserve.

I know how I should be treated...
... so it's what I expect.

I know how to treat others...
... so that's what I do.

I look to my grandparents (and parents)
love and devotion...
... and know it must be out there for me.

I love...
... even with the risk of getting hurt.

I trust...
... when I sometimes shouldn't.

I believe...
... because I know that love exists and endures.

It doesn't make coming home to an empty apartment much easier though. Sometimes? It's nice to have a hand to hold while going through the difficult parts in life.

Martina McBride has a new song, called "I'm gonna love you through it," and while it's a song about a woman who is just diagnosed with breast cancer and her husbands statement that he will always be there, these lyrics bring tears to my eyes every time. It is a song like this, that makes me remember my mom's words to me as well, "Someday, there will be a man who will accept and love all of you. He will be strong enough to handle everything you bring to the table." -Here's hoping, Mom!

When you're weak, I'll be strong
When you let go, I'll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes
When you get lost, scared to death
Like you cant take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I'm gonna love you through it

So, if you made it this far?

I think after Christmas? It's time for a pet.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Starbucks Gratitude

So, as I am sitting here at Starbucks (it must be the end of the semester) writing papers, sipping quietly out of my holiday red cup, listening to my Pandora stations, I am struck by how the holidays change people.

People aren't angry to be standing in line, waiting for their caffeine jolt. They are smiling. They are talking to the ones around them. There are kids bringing their baristas presents.

And they are happy.

And that, my friends, is what the holidays are all about. Smiling at those around you. Trying to make someone elses' day just a little bit better, because well.... you can. Paying for someone elses' coffee because it's the holiday spirit. Slowing down just a bit during this ever so hectic season to look up and see what's going on around you.

And being thankful for it.

Sap post. Get over it. :)

((This last paper is due tomorrow. Which means there will be plenty of new blogs in the next couple of weeks. But seriously? I can only write so much.))

Do something nice for someone today. Smile. Hold the door.

It's the holidays.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Being Thankful? Has many meanings.

This Thanksgiving? Was rough.

It wasn't easy. It wasn't all that fun.

It was hard. And emotionally challenging. It was trying. And exhausting.

It was difficult. But also? It was strengthening.

Because family? Whether you see them often, or not so much... is still family. And when things get tough? Families pull together.

So this Thanksgiving, when a major decision had to be made as to the future of my grandfather, and his living situation? I was so thankful that our family pulled together, instead of pulling apart.

And for that, I am so very thankful. (And for the cousin hotline. Because without that? I am sure that this week would have been much different. love)

Monday, November 21, 2011

It might be early... But...

I was going to write a Thanksgiving post already.

And then? I realized it's Monday.

And I have a whole week to write joyous, thankful, mushy gushy love holiday posts.

So today? It's back to the funny, sarcastic Whitney that well... I hope you have all grown to know and love ;) (And if you haven't? GET READING. Just kidding! But seriously.)

A couple weekends ago I went back to my hometown. I'm not going to say it. If you know me, you know where I graduated.

Either way. I went out with a friend to a bar that well.... tends to feel like a high school reunion for me. That's neither here nor there.

What is?

Was the guy (who I apparently graduated from high school with) who tried to pick me up with the line, "It sounds like your parents house is pretty cool. You should have a party there over Thanksgiving. We could, you know. Do stuff and drink."


Last time I checked? I'm over 21 so, well... I don't need my parents to buy booze (not that they did anyways, but I digress) and I certainly am not throwing a party. At my parents house. For some guy I don't remember.

So we can "do stuff."

Yea. You're welcome.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Life's Teaching Moments

The holidays are officially here.

And this year that was full of difficult, life-changing decisions? Is almost over.

I can't say I'm not excited to see 2011 coming to its end. But this year that was so hard? Has taught so much.

That I am stronger than I thought.
That I can make it.
That some days? Are definitely harder than others.
That tears are ok.
But that through tears? There is laughter.
That I love with everything I have.
That slipping and tripping up sometimes? Happens.
That friends who care about you, are always there.
That sometimes all a girl needs? Is some sunshine.
That family is there for the ups and downs and everything else.
And that those who were once the tight, close, support system? Life is sometimes better off without them.
That jobs can come and go. But that this school program is only once, so those lessons? Are invaluable.

I started this blog because I had a lot of time on my hands. I'm going to continue it this upcoming year. Because being able to look back is important, and growing through struggle is vital. I stopped writing frequently because I didn't have a whole lot to say that was funny. Or well, that I thought was funny and worth sharing.

But sharing is important. Writing is important. Maintaining positive relationships is important. Taking chances are important. Learning is important. And in the last months that I have left in Albany before graduation in May? I'm going to do all of those things. Check back for a new blog.

Hope. Change. Believe. Strength. Love. Faith. Breathe.

For. The. Love.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Music for each and every day

I have recently discovered Pandora, the free internet radio.

((Yes, I understand it's 2011, and I have graduated from college in the past 4 years, and had a full time job. Yes, I understand I should have found Pandora a long time ago.))

That is neither here, nor apparently there.

Pandora seems to understand all of my musical whims before I even know what they should be. It is.... freakish. As in, it literally plays the songs and the artists that I want/need to hear in that very moment before I sort of lead it in the right direction.

It senses my moods in my fingertips. Weird, yes? Anyone else with the Pandora knowing what it is they should play for you before you know it yourself? Does it creep ANYONE else out?

Side note. I am looking for a large, overstuffed chair for my living room. Got any great suggestions?

Yes, this is rambly. Get over it, or close me out.

Ugh, I am seriously trying to write, with serious writer's block. What a fail!!

Quick update on life: my last post? Pretty dark. Sorry for that. Life has had it's ups and downs recently (duh) and sometimes my moods and desires to do anything, whether it's writing or going out can be victim to those swings. I've been working like crazy, and last week acted like I was in college for one too many nights. My poor liver (Dear liver, again, my apologies).

I have started a garden.... alas, the sun that I thought my porch would get? Doesn't last as long as it needs to. My plants may or may not make it. Guess time will tell..

I'm trying to come up with a great trip for the summer. I'm thinking Boston for a couple of days because well... 1) I love it there and 2) it's close enough but far enough to get out of Albany. Or who knows, maybe Texas to visit JS. I am missing you, friend and am wishing you were closer more than ever these days <3

As another note, I'm back on facebook. I loved the hiatus, but it was time to rejoin. I am going to be a stickler though, and I'm not reloading it back on the blackberry. Because that's just insanity, and well.... I'm facebook clean right now. And it feels gooooood.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


Today, the rain feels like tears.

It feels like the tears from what I have lost, and not what I have gained.

It keeps coming down.

The rain, the tears.

Today is not a happy day.

Today is a day to remember what was, and what could have been.

Because what could have been, would have been great. It's amazing how quick we are to remember after forgetting.

Because memories are all I have left.

Today is a day of rain.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Twitter Me

I just joined Twitter.

After deactivating my facebook. Find me. @whit_lill.

It'll be fun. If I ever figure out how to use it....... hmmm..... :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Continued Musings, from the Girl Stealing Internet at Starbucks

I still don't have internet at my apartment.

This apartment? Is quite cute. But it is lonely. And sometimes, it is sad. That is why this weekend? I will have visitors. Not visitors in a slutty way, but visitors in the form of friends and sisters and happiness. It is exciting.

Either way. I have been coming to this new Starbucks for.... 3 days in a row now. I have been writing papers. And stealing their internet. And wondering, what it is that one does when one does not have internet.

No internet? It's a sad place.

A place I don't want to be for much longer. Alas. That means I should probably go to the store and set up my new account. Alas.

Another thing to do.

This week has been enlightening. I have realized that I really hate group projects. I really dislike students in graduate school programs who do not understand graduate school. And the effort one should try to make when one is participating in projects and assignments.


Do you know how many people come to Starbucks to also steal internet? A lot. I have met some of them. Such nice people.

But right now? I look like a homeless person writing on their computer, and writing random musings about stealing internet. It's enjoyable. Who doesn't like that?

I have been reading new blogs. They make me laugh and smile and cry and think. I like it. I like thinking, because thinking about writing especially, makes me want to write more. I am going to try to write more. I am not saying that this will happen, because well.... I don't like to make promises I may or may not keep. But I am going to try.

Because writing? It is therapeutic. And my internship is over now, so I can write about the year that has been my life that causes me to drink. ((Not a lot Mom, don't worry)). But this internship? The one that I have just completed? I am happy it is over. I am happy that it will no longer be stealing my soul for 16 hours per week. I am happy that I will no longer have to deal with women who think that they should exert their power over students whom they are not teaching. I am happy that supervisors who do not actually supervise will be out of my life. And I am happy that I will not have to be a life coach to someone who was supposed to be teaching me.

Sometimes, it feels like I am much older than my 24 years.

This can be good. And sometimes? It is very frustrating.

This post? Very random. My apologies, 2 people in the world that are reading this right now.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Random Musings

A random thought post, because I am procrastinating in writing a paper that is due in 1 hour.

I only have to write the final conclusion and fix my reference page.

And instead, I am blogging. Because I said I would write more, and well.... I clearly didn't.

I don't have internet in my new apartment right now, so I have to make sure that I am successful every time that I go to a place with WiFi. I am bringing my computer with me everywhere now, don't worry blogging universe. Maybe I'll get internet this week..... that would be nice.

Either way. I still procrastinate. Because I am awesome.

Also, I am not sleeping anymore. Does anyone out there have any suggestions?!? And I am pretty sure that I am sleep walking. Because I keep waking up with bruises. And I seriously don't want to be that girl who is taking tylenol PM every night, but holy cow it may have gotten to that point. Because I need sleep, people.

School is over on Friday. I am doing research this summer, but at least all of my classes assignments will be done this week for the semester.

Also, side note. HOLY FOR THE LOVE!!?? Why do grad students NOT know how to do presentations? It's not acceptable any longer.
((Ooooh my professor just showed up to the cafeteria. I am writing her paper. Due in 55 minutes. Eeeeeekkk)).
But seriously. I have a class. These people are SO BAD at giving presentations. They actually were talking to EACHOTHER during a group presentation. Like looking at eachother confused as to why there was something up on the slide twice. Well..... you put it there.
Clue in people.

ALSO. When one participates in a group project? It is not appropriate to then send an email asking for money so that one can run for Miss New York state. I am in social work school. I work 3 jobs. I don't have money for you to go be a fake contestant for a pageant that doesn't really do much for women.


Ok. Paper. Go. Ugh, let it be summer already.

And sleep remedies? Anyone? Please? I don't drink coffee anymore. Ever. I thought that might help. But it hasn't. So I'm going to starbucks. Eff this game.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

... So clearly...

I haven't blogged in a while.

My apologies.

Life, as you know it, has been changing. Yes, for the better, and yes as I am making more decisions for myself.

But it doesn't mean that I shouldn't be taking the time to write. I have missed writing.

But, my blog title doesn't make much sense anymore. Seeing as that since I have last written, I have had a birthday. So happy birthday (belated, obviously) to me. Happy 24. And a half. Plus a month.

A lot has changed around here. As in... seriously a lot.

I have moved out, deactivate facebook, no longer live with JM because we broke up.

My doing. No more tears.

Eventually, in life, decisions have to be made for yourself.

Decisions to be happy. Decisions to make the most of life. Decisions to laugh instead of cry, and to dream instead of stay. Decisions to play instead of work all the time. And decisions to be the person I have wanted to be, and stopped trying to be, for so long.

It's funny how relationships work sometimes. There are minutes that you are so in love. Minutes that you can't imagine life without someone else. And then those minutes turn into hours, you stay and then look back 6 months later wondering where the time went. And how you got to the point you are at.

The minutes tick by. The hours go on. Time passes whether you think it will or not. And the decision to be happy and to smile? That's one that should be present with every minute.