It's been a rough year.
Everyone around here can kind of feel the struggle, and those in my physical life can see it. I have mentioned it to my parents, and my sisters. I have talked with some of my friends. I've sort of written it here.
And last night, I told JM everything.
That I don't like the person I have become. That I feel empty.
That I'm scared.
That I'm afraid that I'm stuck and afraid that I'm never going to get out of this place.
It is probably the scariest thing to let someone else in to the world that you are experiencing. It's dark sometimes, and it's frightening and it's emotional.
And as my mom can certainly tell you, I am not one for super big emotions. I was a "bottler" when I was a kid. Which is fine, but it probably isn't healthy as an adult.
Because you end up like I was last night. And seriously, no one likes that. But seriously, sometimes that's all you have left.
But JM talked, and listened. And he held me while I cried. He told me he could see that I was hurting, but he didn't know what to say at first. And he supported me. He offered help and assistance. He told me we were "in it together, and we'll figure it out....An easy ride is not what I signed up for."
I never realized how much a job could drain you. How much it could steal from you. How much it could change you: positive or negative.
But I do now, and I refuse to ever feel like this again.
So blog friends, today is a new day. Today is the day that I am reclaiming a lot of me that was lost. I don't promise that I'm going to be all sunshine and happiness, but I think the writer's block might be over. I might actually post more than once a week.
I'm going to make this work. I'm making a paper chain countdown til my last day at AMC. And every link is going to be something great.
Heck, these posts might get named with the countdown til the end of my job. Either way, it's time to focus on the positive.
So, today, that's what I'm going to try to do. Even though it's rainy and gross (seriously with this weather today though?!).
And, I'm going to make some arts and crafts tonight. Because I can, and because it's therapeutic, and because well... I have the time to take for myself.
Because even though I can't move up my end date (GAHHHHH!! shaking fist at stupid emails I got this morning) I can create a wall that blocks me from continuing to feel like I'm sad.
Like I can't be myself.
Like smiling is actually hard sometimes.
Because that's not me, and I am getting back to that other person.
The person I want to be, and the person I deserve to be. And, to be giving to others.
One day at a time, friends.
One day at a time.