This is my second time writing a Pour Your Heart Out post. And, I know, I still haven't posted everything from this past week. Tonight, I promise. I'm gymming, and then posting. (In the air conditioned bedroom because !HOLYCOW! It's like a trillion degrees here).
For quite some time, after the frustrating comments and complete BS that happened after some comments in my master's program, I brushed them off.
I mean, I brushed them off, after I wrote some comments on an evaluation form for the professor and vented to my classmates.
Back on track. I have come to realize that I am completely scared, and feel totally lost right now. I don't know that social work is what I want to do. I don't know that I would be good at it, in all honesty. And, I am scared that if I keep going in this program, I am going to hate it, the profession and the loans I take out to finish it.
I keep thinking about law school again. But that's scary too. Because I would quit all of my jobs. And have to study, and study hard. And I don't want to be a lawyer in the world where it consumes my life.
I am 23.5. I feel like I'm closer to 30. My friends are getting married. Some are having kids. Almost all seem to be engaged. Every day I sign on to facebook and there are 2000 more people engaged (ok, that's an exaggeration obviously, because well, I deleted over 200 people on facebook because I hate random people knowing my business... ha. and now I write a blog. But seriously, I don't even know 2000 people on facebook. That would be insane)
I'm scared I am not going to find my "niche."
I'm scared that I won't ever love what I do.
I'm scared that I have a lot of interests, but I have no idea how to actually make a career out of any of them.
I have no idea. I hate not knowing. I feel lost. And I feel stuck, all at the same time. I feel so much older, and I have to keep reminding myself that there is time.
There is time to do everything I want to do.
And yet, life is so, so short. How do you justify both of those thoughts and feelings and worries? How do you figure out a way to balance it all?
I want to be excited to go to work every day.
I want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend.
I want to be able to help other people.
I want to be me all the time.
But sometimes, I want to be able to escape.
If I lose myself in my work, I want it to be for the right reasons.
I want to be able to have a family (someday) and be able to be there for my (future, far off) kids.
I need a balance. And I need to stop being scared.