Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out #2

This is my second time writing a Pour Your Heart Out post. And, I know, I still haven't posted everything from this past week. Tonight, I promise. I'm gymming, and then posting. (In the air conditioned bedroom because !HOLYCOW! It's like a trillion degrees here).



For quite some time, after the frustrating comments and complete BS that happened after some comments in my master's program, I brushed them off.

I mean, I brushed them off, after I wrote some comments on an evaluation form for the professor and vented to my classmates.

Back on track. I have come to realize that I am completely scared, and feel totally lost right now. I don't know that social work is what I want to do. I don't know that I would be good at it, in all honesty. And, I am scared that if I keep going in this program, I am going to hate it, the profession and the loans I take out to finish it.

I keep thinking about law school again. But that's scary too. Because I would quit all of my jobs. And have to study, and study hard. And I don't want to be a lawyer in the world where it consumes my life.

I am 23.5. I feel like I'm closer to 30. My friends are getting married. Some are having kids. Almost all seem to be engaged. Every day I sign on to facebook and there are 2000 more people engaged (ok, that's an exaggeration obviously, because well, I deleted over 200 people on facebook because I hate random people knowing my business... ha. and now I write a blog. But seriously, I don't even know 2000 people on facebook. That would be insane)

I'm scared I am not going to find my "niche."

I'm scared that I won't ever love what I do.

I'm scared that I have a lot of interests, but I have no idea how to actually make a career out of any of them.

I have no idea. I hate not knowing. I feel lost. And I feel stuck, all at the same time. I feel so much older, and I have to keep reminding myself that there is time.

There is time to do everything I want to do.

And yet, life is so, so short. How do you justify both of those thoughts and feelings and worries? How do you figure out a way to balance it all?

I want to be excited to go to work every day.

I want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend.

I want to be able to help other people.

I want to be me all the time.

But sometimes, I want to be able to escape.

If I lose myself in my work, I want it to be for the right reasons.

I want to be able to have a family (someday) and be able to be there for my (future, far off) kids.

I need a balance. And I need to stop being scared.

6 comments:

  1. What a great post. I think you just described what most people go through when they are trying to figure out what the heck they are going to do with their lives!

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  2. Whit... I promise that you will kick ass at whatever it is that you do in life. You are so young and you have already accomplished so much. You have a great head on your shoulders and are so mature. Which is why you hang out with so many people who are on average 5 years older than you, so you shouldn't feel pressure to catch up. You will get there b/c you are too special not to.

    As an aside, I also promise you that you will absolutely hate law school if you go. Law School is all consuming (at least for the first year) and NOT worth it. The whiny, self obsessed, arrogant, douches that you complain about at AMC will be the vast majority of your classmates and professors, and they are like that ALL the time (not just during school.- And the loans... Law school is only something you should embark upon if you are 100% sure that you really want to be a lawyer (and not some romanticized version of what a lawyer is/does)- trust me on this one, I learned the hard way! Two years out of law school and I still want all those things you describe (loving my job, knowing what I want,how to make your interests a career, feeling stuck etc.), and to date I have not been able to get there. However, if you ultimately decide that law school is what you want, I will help you out in any way that I can.

    Xoxo

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  3. Great post. I totally know how you feel and actually my sister is going through the same thing right now. I'm sure you'll figure it out, and when you do, be great!

    Stopping by from Shell's :)

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  4. I am 32 years old and I still feel like this! It is scary making a decision on what you want to do for the rest of your life. I love what I do {did} but at times I think about the other directions I could of gone. I say just follow your heart and do what you feel is right no matter if anyone else does. You will make it work!

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  5. I am going through this too, in my mid-30s. I have wanted to be a nurse but am scared to go back to school after years of being away. My hubby just graduated from law school too. We are so excited!
    Good luck on this. xoxo
    Visiting via Shell.

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  6. sometimes when i feel exactly like you indicate in this post, i like to think of this song and somehow i feel better because you know what, we are at least smart enough to be self-aware that there is always more we can do in order to be truly "alive"

    "welcome to the real world"
    she said to me condescendingly

    "take a seat, take your life
    plot it out in black and white"

    well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
    and the drama queens
    I'd like to think the best of me
    is still hiding up my sleeve

    they love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
    but something's better on the other side

    I want to run through the halls of my high school
    I want to scream at the top of my lungs
    I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
    just a lie you've got to rise above

    So the good boys and girls take the so-called right track
    faded white hats grabbing credits, maybe transfers
    they read all the books but they can't find the answers
    all of our parents, they're getting older
    I wonder if they've wished for anything better
    while in their memories, tiny tragedies

    they love to tell you "stay inside the lines"
    but something's better on the other side

    I want to run through the halls of my high school
    I want to scream at the top of my lungs
    I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
    just a lie you've got to rise above

    I am invincible
    I am invincible
    I am invincible
    as long as I'm alive

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