Tuesday, February 9, 2010

There's beauty in the breakdown (and other random updates)

***Before we get to the rest of the post. I am impressed by the people who have voted in the poll about my hair. Not gonna lie, I measured it on Sunday, and it's looking like I am going to be able to donate a LOT. Definitely more than 8 inches, because let's face it, I have definitely had my eyes peeled for super cute "short bobs" recently. And photo suggestions are appreciated. But seriously. 8 inches is NOT that much (hahah that's what she said!)***

So, as many of you (yay!!! 12!) are probably dying to know... the breakdown has come (and gone, for the most part).

After attending So-Ro's wake last Tuesday, I found it hard to write.
I found it hard to breathe, or speak or do anything, but cry.
And eat carbs.
(Which we are severely officially imiting due to the fact that it's now FEBRUARY which means that I need to get my butt in gear/shape for the rest of... uh. my life.)

But after watching a family stand so stoically beside their 6 year old daughter and comforting the people who waited in an almost 2 hour long line (and Mom was in heels no less!) I lost it.
Such a beautiful child, taken much too soon, and a family who has lost a ray of its sunshine who shared light and love and laughter, even in the grayest of times.
A family that can define themselves by the grace that they maintain, the strength that they show others, and the love they have for eachother and for the life and experiences they had with a beautiful, brave, graceful, smiling, laughing daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter and friend.

I remember telling Mom So-Ro, that I had decided that I have many role models in life. You have the role models as a child that you want to "be" when you grow up. But once you reach adulthood, I have realized that there are many different "life stage" role models. Mom So-Ro is the mother I hope to be, to the children I one day hope to have. The mother who is able to stand in the face of complete uncertainty and hardship and think about someone else, while they themselves are crumbling. The mother who gives themselves so completely to their children that a piece of her is forever with each of them. To be the mother who is the rock to all those around her because she is so completely with them, and they with her.

JM asked if I wanted to talk about it when I got home. After shaking my head "no," and sitting in a kitchen table chair for about 20 minutes, he came back to the table, looked at me with a bewildered almost expression and said "I don't know if you want me around or if you want to just be right now." It was comforting, and exactly what I needed. I then proceeded to tell him that once the tears stopped, I was definitely going to need him to just hold my hand and my heart. Which at that point, couldn't handle being alone.

That's the funny thing about loving someone. Their pain is yours, and yours is theirs. And sometimes, if you're lucky, you find friends, a partner, or just acquaintances who give you a hug (or a big tip if you're bartending which is similiar to a hug, except in money form from a stranger on a day that isn't so great) that know when to leave you alone, and when to step up their presence. JM is one of them. JS, the super fabulous roommate from heaven, is another. I dont't know what I would have been able to do without her the past couple of days. She has been available, around, able to talk, bringing chocolate (and a Pandora angel charm for So-Ro) and just an ear to listen. So, to JS, thank you. I couldn't be more thankful for having you around not only the past couple of days, but most certainly the past couple of months. JM and I will certainly be visiting you and the super fabulous fiance. But probably when you are the super fabulous newly married couple. Don't worry. We'll give you a chance to settle first :)

So, to all of you blog-readers, thank you. To all of my friends who have texted or asked how I was doing, thank you. To my family, who is far away, but I know I'm still in your thoughts and prayers, thank you.

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